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How to Win in the Game of Life: Holiday Edition

By on December 4, 2012 in Mindfulness, Overcoming Obstacles


Photo courtesy of Wayne Silver
As we get closer and closer to the release date of Life: 2013, I’ve been thinking about all of the features that I thought were absolutely absurd when the current version came out. When I first played version ’12, there were definitely some elements that I wasn’t sure I could handle, and quite frankly, it seemed very possible that 2012 might turn out to be a total flop.

All in all though, I’m happy to report that ’12 pleasantly surprised me, and I got quite a lot of enjoyment out of what I orginally thought was an unreasonably challenging level of gameplay. I ended up making it through all of this year’s checkpoints with much greater ease than I anticipated, leaving me with more than three weeks to wait until I can tackle the new version.

Luckily, this year’s holiday edition promises is as jam-packed as ever, keeping all of us who are eagerly anticipating 2013 busy with some new and potentially complex characters, a seemingly endless number of mini-battles, and one-on-one challenges that will test everyone’s skills. As has been true with every Life: Holiday Edition, the graphics are once again amplified in a distorted sort of way, leaving the player feeling that the game’s colors and lights are just a little too bright. As they’ve said before, the developers don’t expect any major glitches, but it wouldn’t be the holiday edition if it didn’t crash at least a few systems.

If you’re playing the holiday version this year, there are some helpful hints put together by some players familiar with all of the holiday versions.

  • Trade your negative energy wand in for a more powerful and useful tool. You may feel like using the wand to battle or kill off annoying characters that appear in the holiday version, but remember not to expend too much energy on them.
  • Only use your invisibility cloak when you absolutely must. The rest of the time, it’s best to be out and about in all of the game’s levels so that nothing can take you by surprise.
  • Learn how to levitate. There are some helpful and free apps that will help you rise above. Being aware of your breathing while playing is the first step toward a totally zen gamer profile, which is even more critical in the holiday version.
  • Take responsibility for all of the moves that you make. A very important thing to remember is that no one is in charge of your lives but you. Sure, some people are influential players in the game, but there is only one person holding your controller.

While we all know that life isn’t really a game, sometimes it helps to think of it as one. Use all of your powers wisely and always be on the lookout for more, use (and ask for) a helping hand when you need one, stay as far away from the bad guys as possible, and keep your eyes on the prize.

Whether the bad guys you’re currently battling are skeletons in your closet, bullies from the unemployment office, ghosts of loved ones who passed away too soon, taunting monsters of chronic pain, or something even worse – as long as you see an ally when you look in the mirror, your enemies don’t even stand a chance.

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When Good Intentions Go Bad: Guest Post by Tess Pajaron

By on October 18, 2012 in Overcoming Obstacles, Reaching Goals

Photo courtesy of Rupert Ganzer

“It’s not a big deal if I do it just this one time…”

Everyone has said a version of this to himself or herself from time to time. We allow ourselves to give in to base pleasures and immediate gratification even though we know in the long run we’re going to feel bad about ourselves. We all know that we do this, but few have really taken the time to think about what it means and how it applies to them in their everyday lives.

Three examples that just about everyone can understand involve cheating – with your budget, your diet, and on your significant other. Who hasn’t decided to splurge on that new Blu-Ray player by putting it on a credit card, and then curse themselves later when it comes time to pay? Or been too tempted by the free jelly doughnuts at work to avoid them and stick with your diet? Heck, some people make a resolution to get fit by working out more, but just never pull themselves away from the computer.

And if you’re congratulating yourself for not cheating on your spouse…good job, but the mechanism by which we make that bad choice and the others described above is the same. If you can’t control yourself in one area, the likelihood that you might slip up in another goes up.

But why do we do it? What is this mechanism that allows us to do things that we know are bad for us and often just plain foolish? Psychologists say that much of it comes down to stress, fear, and memory.

As humans, we are hardwired to actively seek out paths that will keep us from making choices we regret. It is a motivation that comes both from outside social pressures and internal forces. Unfortunately, sometimes the stress of the situation and our own fears about getting it wrong can actually lead us to making poor choices.

But of course, choosing poorly and later regretting those decisions makes things worse because it raises the stakes (and the corresponding stress) the next time the situation comes up. And this is literally true – stressful decisions are known to cause greater activity in the hippocampus, anterior cingulate cortex, and medial orbitofrontal regions of the brain. In layman’s terms, the areas that control our emotional memories get all riled up and confuse us when we’re trying to make good decisions.

You would think that having memories of poor choices you’ve made in the past would be a good thing and allow us to make a better decision next time, but because emotions are involved it, can lead to flawed decision-making. Let’s say you cheated in the past, either on your diet or on a significant other – although we’re sure the significant other would disagree, in the context of this discussion they amount to the same thing. Even though the consequences of cheating (weight gain, embarrassment, breaking up, self-loathing) were severe, studies have shown that we put more emphasis on that brief moment of pleasure we got from the actual cheating than the painful aftermath.

So how can we fight against ourselves and make better decisions? You have to be able to look at your decision-making process and spot flaws. And perhaps even more importantly, you need to avoid what Nobel Prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman calls narrow framing, where you look at each choice as an individual thing instead of considering how you’ve approached – or wish you’d approached – similar decisions in the past.

Rather than deciding in the middle of an emotion-fueled moment, we can create a system of acceptable responses for ourselves. At its most base level, this is essentially what society and the justice system does for us – it tells us what choices are going to lead to positive and negative outcomes by spelling out what those outcomes will be ahead of time. Of course, saying you’re going to come up with a system that prevents you from making bad choices and actually implementing it are two different things, but the only way to get better is to try.

Tess Pajaron is part of the team behind Open Colleges. Her desire to consistently improve her life led her down the road of psychology. When not working, she loves to travel and discover new places and cultures, having a fancy for modern minimalist architecture and interior design. She can also be found on Cerebral Hacks, where she regularly contributes.

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The Illusion of Control and Why You Need to Let it Go

By on October 4, 2012 in Balance, Overcoming Obstacles

Photo courtesy of Elsie Esq

The illusion of control is a very real psychological effect that has been studied and debated by renowned psychologists for years.

The arrival of “super-technology” and phones that are nearly smarter than humans have given us constant access to every aspect of our lives. Information is instantly obtained; gratification is never delayed. Questions are answered in mere moments with text messages, mobile email, and the internet. We are immediately alerted to any and all changes in our friends’ lives, our watched eBay items, and our bank accounts.  It seems there is nothing that can’t be solved, figured out, or Googled.  And, if Google doesn’t know – maybe Siri does.

What many psychologists have debated over the years is whether feeling totally in control of all of life’s situations is a good thing or a bad thing. Originally dubbed a ‘positive illusion’ in 1988, controversy has since arisen. Will our ever-increasing control over certain aspects of our lives lead to higher productivity levels, better pay and more happiness? Some say that positive illusions, like feeling more in control, can motivate people to follow through on tasks they might otherwise have abandoned.  Others have a much different opinion.

The opposing point of view is that the illusion of control is, in most cases, just that: an illusion with no basis in reality.  However, this phenomenon, whether real or not, can lead to a very powerful and very real desire to have control over everything, leading to high levels of anxiety when things don’t go as planned, which quite honestly, is what most of life is about.

For some, the need for control can become quite controlling in itself.

What we must keep in mind about our ability to control our lives is most simply stated in the serenity prayer:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

In other words: Be realistic.  Making positive changes in your life is the greatest and most beneficial form of control you definitely can assert. By letting go in situations you simply can’t control, you’ll be able to be more present, getting the most of everything life has to offer.

 

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Big Picture Healing: Beating Depression the Old Fashioned Way

By on September 27, 2012 in Overcoming Obstacles

Photo courtesy of Suzan Marie

Lifestyles have evolved dramatically in the past 12,000 years. During the Stone Age, everyone lived in a hunter-gatherer tribe, engaging in hard work  outdoors, eating nutritious diets, and getting constant social contact. Their physically active lives meant that they got an average of ten hours of quality sleep every night.

Fast forward to today’s Modern Age. Now millions of people lead sedentary lives, spending many hours each day inside windowless cubicles completing mind-numbingly endless tasks. Meals consist of fast food, which is low in nutrition and high in saturated fat.  Many people are living life at a frantic pace, yet don’t sleep nearly enough – getting an average of only six hours a night.

Although lifestyles have changed drastically, the human genome has remained the same, and the effects of our poorly nourished, inactive, isolated, demanding, and insomnia-ridden lives are proving to be quite catastrophic to our physical and mental health. In contrast, the few hunter-gatherer tribes still in existence are healthy, strong, fit, and most importantly, happy.

Because of the disconnect between our environment and our physical and emotional requirements, a huge number of people are now dealing with depression and anxiety. In fact, my own depression is what started me on my journey toward self-fulfillment. Luckily, it has been proven recently that the adult human brain is changeable, as opposed to the previously held belief that the brain became fixed somewhere in adolescence.

Many therapists are now putting two and two together. People were happier in the Stone Age! With the new knowledge that the adult brain is malleable, many therapies to overcome depression and anxiety include incorporating some of these ancient habits in order to nudge the brain back toward a penchant for happiness:

  • Get plenty of restorative sleep.
  • Eat a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids. Alternatively, take 1,500mg of omega-3 daily (fish oil caps).
  • Get at least 15 minutes of exposure to sunlight each day.
  • Aim to spend 90 minutes a week moving your body physically.
  • Connect socially.  Although the brain thinks the pain of depression is similar to an infection and that we should isolate ourselves from others, what we really need when we’re feeling down is more human interaction.
  • Be cognizant of what those before us have had to overcome, and how small our problems seem in comparison.
  • Accept yourself as you are.

In addition to taking a page from the history books, also try to:

  • Find a healthy escape that will keep you busy on a regular basis.
  • Keep track of your mood. Try to identify triggers for your depressed times.
  • Repeat positive affirmations to bouy your self-confidence.
  • Avoid labeling yourself as “depressed.” Labels often stick and can be self-fulfilling. Constantly reminding yourself that you are a “depressed person” will likely only make you more depressed. Although depression is very real and serious, avoid getting bogged down by what can seem like a permanent sentence.
  • Remind yourself that “this too shall pass.” As it turns out, my grandma was right.
  • Take a look at the big picture. As evidenced when Voyager 1 took the now famous photograph Pale Blue Dot, everything seems much smaller and less significant with a little distance and perspective.

Once you’ve gained the appropriate perspective and shifted your lifestyle so that it fulfills your needs, your brain should start to react accordingly. Combining the above strategies with a visit to your doctor will get you back on the road to happiness.  In order to stay on the right path: continue to respect your body’s needs and always be mindful of the amazing things that do exist in your little speck of the universe.

 

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How to Forgive Yourself for Being Human

By on July 12, 2012 in Self-awareness, Self-Improvement

Photo courtesy of soot+chalk

A few days ago I was in a foul mood and I ended up taking it out on my husband. He was happily whistling and making funny comments in the grocery store, and I was irritated with his lack of interest in which air freshener we should buy. I snapped at him as we shopped and then again when we arrived home. Later, I felt terrible about the way I had treated someone I love so much. I apologized profusely, and he said I was forgiven.

But I still felt like an awful person on the inside.

I’ve always had a hard time forgiving myself when I do something stupid, mean, or irresponsible.  I guess the reason for that is that I work really hard to be the best person I can be, and when I mess up, I feel like I have to start all over. It’s all or nothing.

As a person with a lot of aggressive tendencies, I am not a natural ‘warm and fuzzy’ kinda gal. While I credit my aggressive and tough exterior as the reason I overcame a lot of obstacles to obtain the life I wanted, there is definitely a time and a place for taking charge. What I’ve had to do is recognize the times when I should be more tolerant, less rigid, and relaxed.

If you have trouble forgiving yourself when you act out, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that forgiving yourself doesn’t mean  excusing your behavior – it simply means that you’re making an effort to keep your head high and your spirit happy despite your mistakes.

Also, continuing to re-hash your mistake will increase your feelings of guilt and anger. These are two very damaging emotions and can lead to a variety of health problems in the long term.

Ask yourself why you have to behave so perfectly while you don’t expect the same from others. For example, when my husband makes a mistake and apologizes, I am quick to forgive him and move on. Forgiving ourselves comes with accepting that we are all imperfect beings.

Remember, you only need to forgive yourself for specific actions, not for who you are as a person. Love and accept yourself as a person  with any “flaws” or mistakes you have made.

Letting your mistakes stop your forward momentum in life would be the worst of all possible scenarios. Instead, imagine how you can improve upon yourself and remember – forgiveness is an ongoing journey. Accept that mistakes will happen again but try to view them as minor bumps in the road instead of road blocks.

Value yourself, learn from your mistakes, focus on the positive things in your life, apologize sincerely if you have hurt someone, and most of all remember that everyone deserves forgiveness. Even you.

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12 Things That Could be Making Your Life a Living Hell (So Stop Doing Them!)

By on July 5, 2012 in Self-Improvement


Photo courtesy of Evil Erin

Without even being aware of it, many of us engage in negative behaviors that can make finding true happiness difficult, if not impossible. If you practice any of the following habits, put an end to them as soon as you possibly can!

  1. Looking for a scapegoat  
    I hear people playing the blame game constantly. Trust me, once you become ok with taking the blame, a weight will lift. Taking the blame means taking responsibility, and that can only lead you to good places.
  2. Caring so much about what others think of you
    Caring too much about what others think of us stems from a lack of self-love. Without self-love, we look to others for approval. Love yourself, and no one else has to!
  3. Putting yourself down
    Stop leading with your flaws. Many of us point out what is “wrong” with us because we don’t want to give others the power to talk behind our backs. Start embracing your true self, and your perceived flaws may turn into something you love.
  4. Trash talking others behind their backs
    I’m not saying that all gossip is bad, but be mindful of spreading negative rumors. First, they may or may not be true, and they can be extremely hurtful. Also, constantly spitting vitriol puts you in a negative frame of mind, and will make you look like a bad person.
  5. Worrying about things you can’t control
    This was difficult for me, and I underwent years of therapy to learn how to stop worrying unnecessarily. Designate a time each day as your ‘Worry Window’. All worrying must be done within that time frame. If worries pop up at other times, try to postpone thinking about them. Teach yourself to accept uncertainty. Practice mindfulness to keep your attention focused on the present.
  6. Yelling
    Yelling does nothing for your overall sense of peace and happiness, not to mention the effect it has on the people you are yelling at. Speaking in a soft tone has been proven to be much more effective at getting what you want, anyway.
  7. Trying to be something you’re not
    Don’t get me wrong – it’s important to always strive for small improvements in yourself, but hold on to who you are at your core. Changing into a completely different person is never the answer.
  8. Being so self-centered
    Make it a practice to put yourself in others’ shoes regularly. Expecting everything to go your way will only make you frustrated and will earn you the reputation of a self-absorbed egoist.
  9. Always needing to be right
    No one can be right all of the time. And remember, if you keep insisting that you’re right; you’re basically telling others that they’re always wrong.
  10. Complaining
    Instead of complaining, figure out what is bothering you and see what you can do to fix the situation.
  11. Unrealistic expectations
    Don’t stop pushing yourself to achieve your goals, but keep your ambitions realistic so you don’t face insurmountable obstacles that could deter you.
  12. Asking why
    Instead of asking “Why did this happen to me?” or “Why can’t anything ever go right in my life?” –  change it around, and ask “Why not?”
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Do You Have a Bad Memory? Forget it!

By on June 26, 2012 in Self-Improvement

Photo courtesy of Glimpse of Serendipity
I was lying in bed three nights ago when I had the idea for today’s post. In addition to immediately jotting it on my to-do list, I sent myself an email and a text because I knew that within minutes I would have had absolutely no recollection of what I had wanted to write about. Truth be told, it’s kind of a miracle that this post got written at all.

Struggling to remember things is something that my friends and I started noticing in our mid thirties, and if our parents are any indication, things are only going to get worse as we get older. In order to accomplish important daily tasks, I find myself up to my eyeballs in lists and written reminders everywhere I turn. What I realized, though, is that while reminder notes are helpful, they are literally doing nothing for my actual ability to remember things, and in fact, may be acting as a bit of a brain ‘crutch.’

Knowing that the brain is an amazing and fascinating highway of neurotransmitters, I decided to begin some earnest research about how to make the most of all of those unused pathways I’ve supposedly got going on upstairs.  What I was looking for was a virtual GPS for my brain. While what I discovered isn’t quite that simple, it does look promising indeed.

I spent hours in several bookstores over the weekend and in between inhaling the intoxicating scent of new books, I poured through multiple publications – each claiming to be the “Best Memory Manual” on shelves today. Luckily, I forgot their titles, because they didn’t seem to be worth remembering anyway. There was one book that looked worthwhile, and I brought that one home with me: The Memory Book: The Classic Guide to Improving Your Memory at Work, at School and at Play by Harry Lorayne and Jerry Lucas.

Although I’ve just embarked on this journey, here are some of the first things I’m implementing:

  1. I learned that I need to keep my brain on its ‘toes’. I think I’ll do that by reading one news article a day that I would normally skip.
  2. I’m already working on limiting distractions when I’m performing a task with details that I will need to remember later, and I’ve noticed a slight improvement in my recall.
  3. Memory problems can be worsened by eating a less-than-ideal diet, and although I admit to eating much less brain food than I actually should, I’m making better choices every day.
  4. Making sure I get physical every day is always a priority for me, in that it helps manage my chronic health condition. But it also helps increase blood flow to the brain! Win/win!

I hope you’ll join me on my Better Memory Mission. If you have any memory-improving tips to add to my burgeoning list, please share in the comments or drop me an email. I think this can be a great way for us to work as a DailyPath community, and it has potential to grow into a weekly feature that would include your ideas and stories too!

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The #1 Way to Completely Ruin Your Weekend

By on June 12, 2012 in Overcoming Obstacles, Planning, time management


Photo courtesy of Crock TeesIf your ultimate goal is to have the worst weekend of your life, keep reading. If you want to spend days repeatedly fixing your own mistakes, you totally wish you were me right now. Don’t worry – I will tell you exactly how you can totally ruin your weekend BUT, in the interest of self-improvement, I’m also going to be forced to tell you how to enjoy your weekend instead. Just in case you change your mind.

It all started out innocently enough. I wanted a swimming pool in my backyard, but I couldn’t afford the kind that is installed by pool professionals. If I had that much extra money, believe me, that is what I would have done. BELIEVE. ME. However, when I pulled up my bank account balance on the internet, instead of numbers it simply said, “Do it yourself.” Hmmm.

Buying the pool and supplies was easy and kind of fun! I loaded a shopping cart with all kinds of pool rafts, tester kits, and chlorine tablets. I brought everything home (including the pool) and Operation Pool Fail began! I was given the title of Director and Chemical Engineer, due to my physical limitations, and I quickly led the rest of the family…into a weekend of pure torture.

  • Day 1 

    We built that pool so fast I think we broke a record somewhere. There was much back patting.

  • Two Hours Later 

    Directions? We were supposed to follow those? The pool began to look like the Leaning Tower of Pisa and we decided to start all over using the directions. We crafted an ingenious DIY tarp trench to allow for speedy pool drainage, and still waited all night for the pool to empty. (We did go to sleep, though.)

  • Day 2 

    We dismantled the entire pool we had assembled the day before so we could level out the ground underneath. This is emphasized in the directions.  We discovered an additional 87 other errors due to our poor planning and we had to work all day to fix them.

  • Day 3 

    We built the pool for a second time in sweltering heat and nearly dehydrated ourselves (ironic since we were building a pool). We became covered from head to toe in bug bites because no one thought ahead and bought some OFF!  After much sweat, some tears and a whole lot of kicking ourselves, we collapsed to ground and swore that we would do better next time.

Do yourselves a favor and learn from my mistakes. If I learned anything this weekend, other than which bug bite cream works best and that I do NOT look good with hat hair, it’s this: the nitty gritty particulars of proper planning are much more preferable to witlessly winging it. By investing time in formulating a solid plan before starting a project, you’ll not only save time in the end, but you’ll also save your sanity, and possibly, your weekend.

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Do You Take Responsibility for Your Own Happiness?

By on May 3, 2012 in Psychology, Self-Improvement


Photo courtesy of Zanatox
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
-Oscar Wilde

As I continue to forge ahead through my 30s, edging closer and closer to the big 4-0, I have become increasingly aware of the significance of my sense of self-awareness and self appreciation. Truly accepting myself as I am, both physically and intellectually, has been a slow process that began 17 years ago when I first realized that I could make a big impact on my own happiness. Over the past decade and a half, I have slowly familiarized myself with the concept of unconditional self-love. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been enlightening.

So many times in life, we willingly criticize ourselves and publicly announce our faults and flaws in front of others. “Look how fat I’ve gotten!” or “I am such an idiot!” are exclamations heard all too often among our family, friends and coworkers. Why are we so hard on ourselves? One theory is that our feelings of self-worth are a reflection of our relationships with our parents during our formative years. Another possibility is a need for forgiveness or feelings of guilt that have yet to be addressed properly. When I began my self-reflection journey, I noted that my relationship with my parents was pretty decent when I was a child. I began earnestly digging to find the source of my feelings of unworthiness, ultimately improving my overall feelings of self-appreciation and allowing me to finally be truly happy.

Many of us spend a lot of time expecting someone else to take the blame for everything that is wrong in our lives. We tend to shift the responsibility of our satisfaction onto others, unconsciously always looking for the perfect scapegoat. However, the realization of true happiness has nothing to do with anyone but ourselves. The process begins with forgiving ourselves and acknowledging that we are doing the best that we can. Letting go of unrealistic, self-imposed ideals is the first step on the road to increased self-confidence and the ability to love deeply. Expending some of our misdirected energy toward nurturing our own self-image means we don’t have to wait around for validation from others! By relying on ourselves for a sense of happiness and love, we can create an inner security that is far more fulfilling than anything external.

Start taking steps to make yourself a priority today. Don’t put off any longer the small changes that could bring about a significantly positive improvement in your sense of well-being and your ability to love unconditionally. Your own happiness depends on it.

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Does Taking the Road Less Traveled Really Make a Difference?

By on April 19, 2012 in Life skills, Lifestyle Design, Overcoming Obstacles


Photo courtesy of Bill Ward’s Brickpile
I’m a planner.  I feel better when there’s a plan in place for just about everything.  I lay out clothes for my entire family each night before bed. I make To Do lists. I know how I’m going to spend my money before I even have it. I planned what age I wanted to be married by and when my children would be born and succeeded at achieving both. Planning makes me feel in control of things and gives me a sense of accomplishment. I don’t handle surprises well at all and my loved ones have all been forbidden from throwing me a surprise party, like, EVER.

I had planned to live happily ever after with my first husband, but, after ten years of marriage, we found ourselves separated and filing for divorce. This was definitely not in my plans, and all of the life changes that occurred afterward were enough to really throw me off balance. However, despite it not being part of the blueprint I had created for my life, I slowly adapted to the idea and life after a divorce.  Now, 2 years later, I am happily remarried to an amazing man and good friends with my first husband. It seems The Universe knew what it was doing.

What I learned from this situation is that, while it’s good to be organized and have life goals, you can’t expect the unexpected. That’s kind of the whole definition of the word, right? Whether something takes you by surprise personally, professionally, or medically, it’s how you react that counts. You can spend your whole life making and executing plans, and bravo if you accomplish everything you set out to do. However, the real life lessons come from navigating the bumps in the road along the way.

Avoiding the bumpy roads keeps us in our comfort zone but doesn’t allow for the personal growth and self-awareness gained by facing a challenging situation. What we learn about ourselves as we face seemingly insurmountable obstacles can be quite an eye-opening experience and can lead us to re-think our original plans.  The next time your life goes off the grid, don’t panic.  Sometimes, the road less traveled can take you where you should have been going all along.

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