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Turn Your Frown Upside Down: Can You Decide to be Happy?

By on May 7, 2013 in Awareness of others, Life skills, Self-awareness, Wellness

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Photo courtesy of Lauren

As I wander through the world each day, I regularly find myself face-to-face with someone who radiates negative energy.

With each encounter, I walk away from the situation mystified at how much energy these people are simply throwing away. Energy that could be used so much more effectively toward making life better.

It’s not that I never get upset or mad. There are things that irritate me, and (although infrequent), I do have some conflicts in my life. As a matter of fact, I think a life completely void of struggle would be quite yawn-inducing.

However, there’s huge difference between having some conflict in your life and having some life in between all of your conflicts. Although I wouldn’t say I was ever a totally negative person, I can definitely tell you that I used to be a lot more cynical than I am these days.

Those people who seem to be absolutely brimming with negativity are generally unhappy or unfulfilled in their own lives, so they squash happiness, ambition and success wherever they can. If they’re miserable – you should be too. Innovative ideas thought up by others are picked apart and insulted. Jealous of the good things happening to those around them, they display obvious resentment of those who have what they want.

Eventually, putting out constant negative energy will push friends and family away from someone as they seek relief from the continual complaining and general air of discontent.

Does someone close to you display this type of behavior? Is it possible that you’re the Negative Nancy? Luckily, negativity doesn’t have to be a permanent state of being. After a period of pretty intense self-reflection and a great deal of research on the habits of unhappy people, I learned how much better it felt to be positive.  Some helpful advice to nix negativity from your life:

  • Force it (at first):  Refraining from making negative comments or engaging in unnecessary conflicts and debates won’t come naturally for someone who’s been practicing a whole lot of negativity for (possibly) years. The most effective way to shift into positive gear is to purposely set out to do so. Fastidiously police your behavior and set increments of time in which you are prohibited from saying anything negative at all. Start with small time segments to ensure success.
  • Reinforce positivity:  When you are able to avoid being contrary for your goal time period, you’ll immediately feel good about yourself. The simple fact that you were able to go against your natural instinct toward negativity will give you a feeling of peace and accomplishment. Sit with those feelings, and reward yourself accordingly.  This will make it even more desirable for you to continue on your journey toward positivity.
  • Smile Therapy:  Even when you don’t necessarily feel like smiling, do it anyway. Many studies, including one performed at the University of Cardiff in Wales, have reinforced Charles Darwin’s idea that “the free expression by outward signs of an emotion intensi­fies it.” We typically smile because we’re happy – but as it turns out, the reverse is true, too. You can feel more happiness because you’re smiling.
  • Observe and Repeat:  As you begin to realize the exorbitant amount of energy you’d been wasting on negative thoughts and actions, it will become much easier for you to observe and analyze your thoughts and why you’re having them. You’ll gain the ability to stop negative thoughts before they become spoken words.

Over time, these practices will become habit, and may even become a natural part of your new outlook on life. In your efforts to live a more positive life, try not to be too hard on yourself if you stumble at first. You’re making a valiant effort to use your energy for good instead of evil! Forgive yourself for your imperfections, and pride yourself on your desire to improve.

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Disconnect Your Phone and Connect with Life

By on May 2, 2013 in Balance and Happiness, Lifestyle Design, Mindfulness, Self-awareness

cell phonesPhoto courtesy of Ding Yuin Shan

Recently, a friend of mine treated me to a day at a local spa for my birthday. It was utterly blissful – we were pampered from head to toe, and I haven’t felt that relaxed in a really long time.

However, as I took in my surroundings during one of my treatments, I slowly became aware that I stood out.

I had been sitting, reclined in my spa chair with my eyes closed, attempting to be mindfully aware of my entire body. The sensations I noticed were incredible, and I am certain I would have missed out on half of them had I not been paying extremely close attention to my experience.

As I looked around the pedicure room, I noticed that every other woman was bent over and white-knuckling a digital device of some kind. I picked up my phone to check for messages. Admittedly, I even “checked in” to the salon on Facebook. But then I had an alarming thought: am I holding onto my cellphone or does it have a hold on me?

I plunked my phone back into my purse and didn’t look at it again until hours later when I came home.

I’m the first person to admit that having an iPhone has improved a lot of things about my life. My job is easier, I can get directions instantly, and I’m never at a loss for a good place to eat. I’m definitely pro-smart-phone. What concerns me, though, is the loss of social cues that seems to come along with owning one.

Many people today seem to have lost their grip on good manners. Ever been in mid-conversation with someone who interrupts you to answer a work call?  How about a personal text, or to check their Facebook notifications? Perhaps you’re even guilty of some of these things yourself.

If so, there are things that you can do to prevent your cellphone from running your life and potentially ruining some of your relationships. The key is setting some boundaries when it comes to when and where you choose to let yourself be interrupted by your phone.

In order to protect and nurture your most important relationships, it’s a good idea to earmark certain times, situations or events during which you will not be reachable on your cellphone. This will allow you to focus all of your attention of those people who are physically present with you during those times, giving them reassurance that they are more important than your need to “stay connected.”

Perhaps these times will include things like date night, dinnertime, and family gatherings. Alternatively, you could set aside a certain amount of non-negotiable screen-free time each day or week. Regardless of when and where it happens, by designating regular times to silence your cellphone and put it out of sight – you’re giving your loved ones a guarantee of your undivided attention. It’s only when we give our full attention to our families, relationships, and self-awareness that each of them will be able to grow and thrive.

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How to Stop Being Tardy for the Party

By on April 30, 2013 in Productivity, Self-awareness, Self-Improvement, time management

late

Photo courtesy of Steve O’brien

On my way to lunch with some friends yesterday, I received a text, letting me know they were running about ten minutes late. “No problem!” I responded, and, true to their word, they strolled into the mom and pop café at exactly 1:10pm.

Not only were they only negligibly late (I don’t really consider someone late until it reaches the 30-40 minute mark), but they were conscientious enough to shoot me a text anyway.

I have awesome friends.

With that being said, I do know a few people who run on a schedule that pretty much deviates from every other human being in the modern world. I’m willing to bet that all of you know someone who has earned the reputation as the latecomer in your group of friends.

As it turns out, chronically tardy people aren’t typically showing up late just to get your goat. In fact, many of these people have repeatedly attempted to fix their chronic lateness, but have failed time and time again.  Even when their lateness means being reprimanded at work, arguments with friends, and problems in romantic relationships – being late is much, much more complicated than it seems.

Recently, a study was conducted at San Francisco University, aiming to examine why certain people struggle so immensely with being on time. The results showed some clear patterns. When compared with their on-time peers, the chronically late participants struggled with self-control in at least one area of their lives (overeating, shopping, substance abuse, gambling). They also had a much harder time staying on task in a manner similar to ADD sufferers. Many of them also admitted to some moderate to severe anxiety or phobias, displayed a great deal of ambivalence, and/or an affinity for thrill-seeking behaviors.

The good news is that tardiness doesn’t have to be a permanent factor in anyone’s life. Just like many other psychological issues, there are steps that one can take to be on time more and more consistently. If you or someone you know is always late to the party, be aware the changing this behavior takes time, and a lot of understanding from friends and loved ones. Consider the following:

  • Practice self-reflection and self-awareness on a more regular basis in order to discover what lies behind your chronic lateness.  Figuring out if you’re always late to the same type of events can be telling – the answer might be as simple as situational anxiety.
  • Determine what you consider ‘late’ to be.  Are you always the same amount of time late, or does it depend on the situation?  What types of events do you show up to on time, if any?
  • What do you get out of being late?  Does it give you a rush? Do you like to cause a scene? Perhaps you’re afraid of being the first to arrive.
  • In general, how good are you at estimation? Many latecomers think they can do more than they really can in a set amount of time. You may need to retrain your concept of how much time you really have.
  • How forgetful are you? Another type of latecomer is constantly distracted, loses things frequently, and has difficulty focusing. If this sounds like you, it’s possible that you may have an attention deficit disorder, and you may actually benefit from seeing your physician.

Making the leap from lateness to promptness is a challenge, but one that can be conquered with the right attitude. Setting small, achievable promptness goals will help you learn how to tell time all over again. Your internal clock needs to be re-set, and you can do that by promising yourself to be on time first. Once you’ve mastered honoring your own time goals, start planning to arrive early – everywhere you go. Always leave room for traffic, forgetting something, or getting lost. Before you know it, you might just be the first one to the party!

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8 Things to Stop Thinking About

By on April 9, 2013 in Productivity, Self-awareness

daydreamPhoto courtesy of Scott Anderson

I’ve come to realize that a little daydreaming is ok, but that it can be all too easy to get lost in your thoughts, leading to distraction and a less mindful way of living. Allowing your inner thoughts and dialogue to take a major detour will derail your focus, making you much less productive at work and more stressed in life.

There are some common “thought traps” that are easy to fall into, and they can leave you ruminating rather than really living. When these thoughts pop into your head, let them pass through without stopping.

1. Woulda, coulda, shoulda: If you’re constantly preoccupied with thoughts of things you wish you’d done differently, you’re essentially beating a dead horse with an old stick. Let thoughts of the past move right on by, and every time they pop back in for a visit, think about something positive that came of the choices you did make.

2. Fantastic fortune and magic carpet rides: Passive fantasies about the life you really want will get you nowhere. Get those thoughts onto paper, and into action!

3. Worries. Dwelling excessively on an anxiety-provoking topic ultimately won’t make one bit of difference in the outcome of any situation. Worrying is something everyone does, though, so it’s a natural and normal feeling.  Just don’t let it control your life.

4. The Oops. I used to literally punish myself anytime I’d made an embarrassing mistake at work by replaying the event over and over again in my mind. What’s done is done, and the only thing to do is to learn from your mistake and do better next time.

5. How you’re measuring up. In other words, you’re preoccupied with what other people think of you. The only person you should be measuring yourself against is, well, yourself.

6. Why me? This is a huge thought trap for many people. It’s essentially a Pity Party for One. Stop asking “Why me?” and ask “Why not?”

7. The missing piece. Are you spending precious time focused on what you don’t have? We’ve all met that person who constantly bemoans all of the things she hates about her life. This type of person usually displays extreme jealousy when others experience good fortune, too. What a waste of energy and lost minutes that could be spent enjoying the present moment for what it is.

8. Your limits. Most people are convinced that they have invisible limits that no one else can see or sense. Staying within your preconceived limits allows you to feel safe, but it also hinders how much success you can attain.  Limits only exist in the mind. In reality, you can accomplish anything.

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When Familiarity Breeds Contempt:10 Friendship Enders

By on March 26, 2013 in Awareness of others, Relationships, Self-awareness

love hatePhoto courtesy of Rory Finneren

Last week, a friend and I were sharing the traits we liked most about each other, and we remarked that time has given us a new perspective on friendship. In addition to getting older, living mindfully has also given me a pretty good handle on the type of people I enjoy being around.

For me, a typical ‘friend interview’ goes something like this: I’m introduced, in any number of ways, to someone new.  I almost immediately begin evaluating this person’s friendability. My scoring system is simple: if I get a good feeling when I’m around you – boom – we’re friends.

Nine times out of ten, going with your gut instinct works pretty well, but it is possible to get the wrong first impression.

Unfortunately, you often won’t discover someone’s annoying traits until the two of you get more familiar and comfortable with each other. As long as her worst habit is biting her nails or telling really bad jokes – you’ve got nothing to worry about.

It’s when familiarity breeds contempt rather than closeness that you’ve got a problem. Breaking up with a friend is hard to do, but putting up with more than one item on this list is enough to drive anyone straight to Friendship Divorce Court:

  • Chronic interruptions – Let’s face it – we’ve all interrupted someone before. However, when someone makes a habit of cutting you off mid-sentence, it shows that he or she honestly doesn’t care what you’ve got to say. Someone who is worth having as a friend wants to hear what you’re thinking, and they respect your opinion enough not to interrupt while you’re sharing your thoughts.
  • Habitual lying – Honesty is (almost) always the best policy, whether it’s between friends or lovers. Most of us turn to someone we trust for advice, and we really do want to know if those pants make us look fat. If you’ve caught a friend in several lies, you can be sure that there are many more lurking in the shadows of your friendship.
  • Unannounced visits – THE POP-IN is an act of disrespecting someone’s schedule, time, and privacy. The type of person who practices frequent pop-ins puts their time at a much higher level of importance than yours.
  • Constant attempts to make you look bad – Whether to your face or behind your back, if you’ve got a friend who has such incredibly low self-esteem that she wants to bring you down to her level, show her to the door, and fast. You deserve to be surrounded by people who boost you up instead of weigh you down.
  • Perpetual guilting – This type of person never seems to handle her responsibilities, in and outside of the friendship. This can be extremely tiring and frustrating, because oftentimes you will end up as the scapegoat.
  • Continual complaining – Unless you share a mutual love of grumbling – nobody likes a whiner, right?
  • Bossiness - No friend of yours has the right to tell you what to do. Friends should give advice, not orders.
  • Excessive gossiping – Know that if she’s talking about other people when she’s with you, she’s talking about you when she’s with other people.
  • An inability to be wrong – Do you know what having a friend who’s ‘never’ wrong means? It means that you’re ALWAYS WRONG – and that’s just no fun at all.
  • A total lack of self-awareness - This type of person has trouble with social cues, overstays her welcome, invites herself to your house (with or without your knowledge – the POP-IN), and rarely shows up to scheduled events on time. Her worst crime? She has no idea she’s committing friendship murder.

Don’t waste your precious time with someone unless you feel pretty darn great when you’re together. Oh, and if you get the distinct feeling that you’re being given the slip, perhaps it’s time to look at your own friendability score.

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3 Simple Plot Twists that Will Change Your Life Story

By on February 7, 2013 in Reaching Goals, Self-awareness, Self-Improvement

Photo courtesy of Melissa Maples

Sixteen months ago I was living a very different life story.

The main characters were pretty much the same; the setting was the lovely, lofty place I still call home. To onlookers, casual observers and indifferent passersby, my world as it is now remains unchanged, even static, if you will.

Those of you who’ve experienced a profound internal metamorphosis can understand when I say: Nothing changed, yet everything was different.

As you’re making your way through the plot of your life, remember that you’re the author, illustrator, and most importantly, the editor. By shifting and twisting the plot bit by bit, you have the power to keep making changes until the story matches the picture in your mind.

If the main character in your favorite novel can find his or her way to a happy ending, you’d better believe that you can, too. Like everything in life, editing your own plot line to perfection takes trial and error, but at least one of these three major plot twists is bound to be just what you need.

  1. “Kill off” an unsupporting character. It’s so easy to get rid of the bad guy in books and movies, and it won’t be quite that simple in real life. If all of your days and nights are filled with angst that always leads to the same person, fire the “actor” and fill the position with someone who’s a better fit for the role.
  2. Frankly, my dear, you’ve got to stop giving a damn. After all, Rhett Butler managed to do it in Gone With the Wind, so you can, too. A plot twist that will have a huge impact on the story of your life is to stop wasting your precious energy and emotions on arguments with people who just don’t, and likely never will, get it. The freedom and relief that will come your way may seem trivial now, but letting go of things that just aren’t all that important will allow you more time to focus on the things that are essential to your complete happiness and satisfaction.
  3. Take a hard look at the mirror, mirror on the wall. Hone in on your self-awareness. Love yourself unconditionally, with every single flaw you’ve got. Only when you’re able to embrace yourself in all of your imperfection will you be able to improve as a person. After all, you are the main character, and it’s up to you to decide it you want to be the Protagonist or the Villain. Make changes accordingly.

Personally, I got the biggest results from #3, and now my character is frequently brought to tears of joy. In my life story, the moral turned out to be “You get what you give.” Try to see what you can learn by re-reading the pages of your own story, and always keep in mind that you’re the one holding the pen.

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Generation Z: What the Me! Me! Generation Means for You

By on November 15, 2012 in Learning, Psychology, Self-awareness

Photo courtesy of Allen Skyy

Anyone who was born after the late 1990s grew up in the digital era and never knew life before the World Wide Web. Known as ‘Generation Z’, today’s young people started Googling and Skype-ing right around the same time they started peeing in the potty.

Texting, Face-timing, downloading apps – these are all second nature to Generation Z, and they all have a multitude of webpages dedicated to their own self-promotion (think Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, WordPress and LinkedIn.)

Another thing specific to Generation Z is their intense fascination with memes – funny pictures, sayings, and YouTube videos that they share with their friends via email, Facebook or Twitter. Ask any of them what ‘meme’ really means, and you’ll probably be met with a blank stare, but only for as long as it takes them to Google it.

If they did Google it, they’d discover that the word ‘meme’ came from the Greek word ‘mimeme’, and it was determined by biologist Richard Dawkins that a meme is any cultural entity imitated by humans, like nursery rhymes, prejudice, and phrases, like “Where’s the beef?” Dawkins coined the term ‘meme’ in his book, The Selfish Gene, but it has gone mostly unused for 30 until now, when, coincidentally what has been dubbed America’s most self-absorbed generation ever, brought it back to life.

Their self-absorbed reputation stems from the fact that these digital natives spend a lot of time alone, ensconced in their digital lives instead of spending time with other people. Although they may have a lot of friends, they communicate with them largely through virtual interactions like texting, Skype-ing, and Facebooking.

Dealing with their “Me! Me!” attitudes and their tech-focused communication skills can take some getting used to. I have two children who are members of Generation Z, and I always try to balance their technology-rich lives with old-fashioned activities like scavenger hunts, card games, and face-to-face talking. If you’re also a parent of a Gen Z-er, it’s important to monitor their technology use and mix it up with real world experiences.

Teaching a classroom full of Generation Z-ers or managing them at work could put your traditional leadership skills to the test if you’re not already parents of tech savvy kids. Constant access to speedy electronic devices has created a generation with a strong desire for instant feedback. Also, although they have tons of information at their fingertips, they sometimes have trouble determining which sources are reliable (evidenced by the recent popularity of Wikipedia for research purposes.)

If you are a member of Generation Z, and you’ve reached early adulthood, real life situations like marriage could prove challenging for you. If your significant other is also a Z-er, and much of your courtship was largely based on Facebook interactions with a little sexting thrown in on the side, make sure you flip down the lid of your laptop and power down your iPhone in favor of some in-person lip service. Although those me!me! messages can be really funny, what’s even better is when she holds your hand while you talk about us!us!

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Promises, Promises: Who Can You Believe?

By on October 25, 2012 in Character of self, Self-awareness, Uncategorized

Photo courtesy of Mike & Tiffy

A promise holds a lot of power.  Recall how you felt when someone broke a promise they made to you. Broken promises speak volumes about a person’s integrity.

The following is a list of promises you should make today. And the person you’ll be promising is yourself.

1. I promise to live in the moment. I want to notice things about my life that I never noticed before.

2. I promise to let go of my desire to be in control of everything and everyone. By letting go and handing the reigns over to someone else at times, I can take more time for simply enjoying life.

3. I promise to look for enjoyment in situations that might otherwise be seen as dull or even hopeless. Even standing in line can be fun and interesting if I have the right mindset.

4. When it comes to others, I promise to always give them the benefit of the doubt. I don’t want to judge people anymore.

5. I promise to smile more often. I might even manage to laugh more often too!

6. I promise to use nice words as often as I can, to myself and to those around me. You know that saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?” Not true.

7. I promise to do all I can to excel using my strengths. In contrast, I also promise to accept my shortcomings without judgement.

8. If I face a hurdle, I promise to use my strength to get over it. I will not let fear stop me anymore.

9. If I fall down or fail, I promise I will still love myself. I will also get back up again and keep moving toward my goals.

10. I promise to do more of the things that I enjoy doing. It’s my life, and I’m the one living it.

11. I promise that I will be more expressive with how much my family and friends mean to me. I will hug more often too.

12. I promise to keep these promises. If I can’t even trust myself, who can I trust?

In life, it’s extremely important to keep the promises you make to others, and it’s even more important when the promise was made to yourself. Show yourself what you’re made of and start keeping these promises today.

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Self-Awareness 101: Introduction to Yourself

By on August 30, 2012 in Self-awareness

Photo courtesy of Alaskan Dude

The other day an acquaintance of mine exclaimed, “You know me! I don’t even know how to be mean!”

I shook my head, eyes wide with wonder at her profound misjudgement of her own personality. I believe that she probably doesn’t want to be mean, but I can also tell you that everyone is more than slightly afraid of her.

Afterward, I began to ponder the complexities of self-awareness, and how some people are really out of touch with their own inner-selves.

Most people will insist that they are self-aware without having any idea what it really means to be truly aware of one’s thoughts, emotions, behavior and personality. According to Dr. Travis Bradberry, author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, “a lack of self-awareness will actually hold you back from developing self-management, social awareness, and relationship management skills,” which are quite necessary in building the life you really want.  So, how do you know if you really are self-aware or if you’re in the dark?

- Frequent interactions with honest friends and family members.  Most people find it very difficult to tell others the truth about their short-comings, but if you specifically ask for feedback, you might be surprised at what you can learn about how you’re perceived.

- Watch and keep track of your actions and their results.  Just like the person above who insisted she has a hard time being ‘mean’, it’s quite possible for anyone to be totally unaware of how their behaviors are affecting their lives and those around them. “Watch” yourself by keeping a journal of your important actions and your prediction for the effect they will have on a certain situation.  Check back regularly to see how things really play out, and make changes to your behaviors accordingly.

- Take a self-awareness inventory.  How well do you really know what your strengths and weaknesses are?  Can you identify your habits, likes and dislikes? What motivates you? Do you have a set of internal values that you life your life by? Self-awareness begins by knowing all of the details that make up who you are as a person.

- Raise your EQ.  Your Emotional Intelligence, or your EQ, is your ability to identify and effectively manage all of the emotions that you experience every day.  A high EQ means that you recognize and understand the cause and effect nature of your emotions, as well as the emotions of others. People who are struggling with self-awareness are often unable to accurately understand the social cues that are given to them through other people’s emotions.

- Watch your words. In today’s society, strong opinions are encouraged, but if you lack self-awareness it may appear to others that you feel your opinion is the only one that matters.  Even with strong opinions, being self-aware means being mindful of every word that you think or speak in order to foster good relationships that are built on respect.

- Step outside yourself. In a twist of irony, one of the best ways to get in touch with your inner self is to step outside of it. Viewing yourself as you would a character in a movie, without judgement or harsh criticism, will allow you to get some perspective on your personality.

By taking a close look at your inner-self, you will be able to make the necessary changes to stop having emotional reactions, improve your understanding of others (and their perceptions of you), develop effective communication strategies in your relationships, and live a happier and more successful life.

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How to Forgive Yourself for Being Human

By on July 12, 2012 in Self-awareness, Self-Improvement

Photo courtesy of soot+chalk

A few days ago I was in a foul mood and I ended up taking it out on my husband. He was happily whistling and making funny comments in the grocery store, and I was irritated with his lack of interest in which air freshener we should buy. I snapped at him as we shopped and then again when we arrived home. Later, I felt terrible about the way I had treated someone I love so much. I apologized profusely, and he said I was forgiven.

But I still felt like an awful person on the inside.

I’ve always had a hard time forgiving myself when I do something stupid, mean, or irresponsible.  I guess the reason for that is that I work really hard to be the best person I can be, and when I mess up, I feel like I have to start all over. It’s all or nothing.

As a person with a lot of aggressive tendencies, I am not a natural ‘warm and fuzzy’ kinda gal. While I credit my aggressive and tough exterior as the reason I overcame a lot of obstacles to obtain the life I wanted, there is definitely a time and a place for taking charge. What I’ve had to do is recognize the times when I should be more tolerant, less rigid, and relaxed.

If you have trouble forgiving yourself when you act out, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that forgiving yourself doesn’t mean  excusing your behavior – it simply means that you’re making an effort to keep your head high and your spirit happy despite your mistakes.

Also, continuing to re-hash your mistake will increase your feelings of guilt and anger. These are two very damaging emotions and can lead to a variety of health problems in the long term.

Ask yourself why you have to behave so perfectly while you don’t expect the same from others. For example, when my husband makes a mistake and apologizes, I am quick to forgive him and move on. Forgiving ourselves comes with accepting that we are all imperfect beings.

Remember, you only need to forgive yourself for specific actions, not for who you are as a person. Love and accept yourself as a person  with any “flaws” or mistakes you have made.

Letting your mistakes stop your forward momentum in life would be the worst of all possible scenarios. Instead, imagine how you can improve upon yourself and remember – forgiveness is an ongoing journey. Accept that mistakes will happen again but try to view them as minor bumps in the road instead of road blocks.

Value yourself, learn from your mistakes, focus on the positive things in your life, apologize sincerely if you have hurt someone, and most of all remember that everyone deserves forgiveness. Even you.

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