Archive | Psychology RSS feed for this section

Stop Fighting: How to Turn Any Argument Around

By on March 19, 2013 in Awareness of others, Psychology, Relationships

peace

Photo courtesy of Ion-bogdan Dumitrescu

I do my best to steer clear of people who argue more than they laugh, but sometimes interacting with antagonists is just something that can’t be avoided. If you’re unfortunate enough to have someone in your life that loves to use you as a figurative punching bag, you’ve probably tried (and failed) to win at least one argument against them.

Having disagreements with the people in our lives is totally normal, and once we’ve reached adulthood, most of us have figured out some good strategies to calmly resolve differences of opinion. However, this proves to be a little bit more difficult if the person just can’t stand you.

I know what you’re thinking. “What – me? Everyone likes me!” And, while I applaud your high self-esteem, your self-awareness may need a little tweaking.

Even if you do your damndest to say a friendly hello to all of your coworkers each morning, wave a cheery greeting to your neighbors every evening, and try to be the best employee/coworker/friend in between – somewhere, sometime, somehow – there’s probably someone who just – doesn’t like you.

Their distaste for you may be unjustified, or perhaps it’s mutual and the two of you just don’t jive well.  As Charles Colton once said, sometimes “we hate [people] because we do not know them; and will not know them because we hate them.” In my younger days, I lived less mindfully. I tended to decide whether I liked someone without really knowing them at all.

I later learned (by accident) that if we get to know someone we “hate,” the outcome is often surprisingly pleasant.

Nevertheless, if you’re currently on the receiving end of someone who has taken a strong aversion to you, any exchanges the two of you have are likely causing you a significant deal of anxiety. The more frequently you have to interact, the more distressed you’ll become. Being afraid to go to work every day (or anywhere this person is likely to be) is no way to live. Instead of displaying fearful, nail biting body language or blasting her back when she accuses you of something – stop.

Bullies thrive on intimidating others; antagonists love a good fight, and you are going to be the one to put an end to it.

Do you want to know the absolute, number one way to stop someone from arguing with you?

Simply take away their ability to argue.

Don’t interrupt her, but when she’s finished doling out what she feels is her winning end of a debate – smile. Take a breath, and speak in a low voice. Say something neutral, like, “Ok. I didn’t realize I was doing that. Can you clarify (this or that) for me, so I can work on it in the future?” Smile.

It’s (almost) impossible to argue with someone who won’t fight back. By using low tones, you’ll calm your opponent down, and by not firing back, you’ll be the one who took the high road. While you may not really agree with her, you’ll have diffused the situation while looking like the good guy, and you’ll have conserved your mental energy for someone who really matters.

Comments { 0 }

Can the Truth Really Set You Free?

By on January 24, 2013 in Awareness of others, Mental health, Psychology, Self-Learning

Photo courtesy of Tiago Pinheiro

Do you feel like you’re on a search for truth as you make your way through the world, dodging hyperbole as you go?  For a long time it was the opposite for me. I felt like I was blatantly avoiding some hard truths in my own life. I buried my head in the sand, thinking that avoidance would keep me safe and help me hide from the truth.

Looking back, I thought I knew my own truth for a very long time, but only on a subconscious level. Knowing your truth and acting on it are two very different concepts, because when you finally begin to share your truth with others, they will react accordingly. Those who have different truths and beliefs will potentially be hurt or offended.

Staying silent when you know your own truth is perhaps one of the most detrimental forms of dishonesty. It has been called the ‘Disease to Please’ and curing yourself can be quite difficult. If you question your own truth, you may end up trying to please others forever.

But here’s some food for thought – some people who are convinced that they know their own truths may actually be wrong.

Is it possible to be wrong about your own truth?

People in the public eye are the most notorious of all for not living truthfully – we see examples of this in the news, in Hollywood, in politics and in professional sports. Our society seems to be riddled with untruths everywhere we turn. If everybody’s doing it, then why can’t we?

Should we give up on honesty and truth?

We should not give up on truth! It is empowering and liberating, even while it may be complicated. Living untruthfully can ruin just about anything - including your health, according to recent research presented at the American Psychological Association’s 120th Annual Convention.

In order for you to live a truly authentic and (mostly) truthful life, you’ve got to really get in touch with yourself. Having the confidence to live a truthful life is never easy, because it means taking responsibility for all of your actions and decisions. Be able to answer for yourself with self-assurance. What you know to be true for you may not sit well with others, but what matters is that it works for you, and that you feel good about your decisions.

As important as it is to live your truth, remember that others around you are attempting the same thing, and their truth may not look like truth at all to you. Only when you can learn to accept other people as they present you with their truths is when the truth really will set you free.

I’d like to leave you with an open-ended, thought provoking concept today.

Does absolute truth exist?

If everyone’s versions of the truth are ’right’, even if only for them (I imagine Hitler thought his truth was ‘absolute truth’), what then?

My truth, your truth, we all fall down?

Comments { 3 }

Words to Live by as You Create Your Best Life

By on January 10, 2013 in Mindfulness, Productivity, Psychology

Photo courtesy of Nolan Williamson

One of the more popular internet memes at the moment involves creating mock “Hallmark” greeting style cards to share on Facebook. This is made possible by someecards.com – a website with the tagline, “When you care enough to hit send.” Pairing self-penned quotes with images that are consistent with traditional greeting cards has provided millions of social networkers with hours of entertainment.

These self-made cards usually contain deadpan humor that could be mistaken as offensive by someone unfamiliar with their parodic sentiments. Admittedly, a few of the cards have struck my funny bone, but I’ve always had a deep appreciation for more thought provoking (sometimes famous, sometimes not, but always meaningful) quotes and sayings.

When you feel yourself hit a wall or find that you’re lagging behind on attaining some of your life goals, it can be quite helpful to read through a few motivational quotes to move and inspire you. Today, I thought I’d share some of the inspirational quotes that motivate the staff here at TinyShift.  We look to these poignant and eloquent words (and many others) to keep us striving toward living the best lives possible:

You’ll never go anywhere if you never get going! This quote also points to the fact that even the most daunting of tasks can be accomplished as long as we keep moving toward the finish line, taking it one purposeful step at a time.

Photo courtesy of Oprah.com

Have you ever looked up from the chaos of your life and realized that you’ve been meeting everyone’s needs but your own? Sacrificing your life satisfaction only to go on living the status quo, especially if that means you’re lost and unfulfilled – just isn’t worth it. While calculated risk is usually advisable in terms of huge life changes, if you aren’t even sure where you fall on your own “to-do” list, there should definitely be some calculating and risk-taking in your near future.

Photo courtesy of Ginnyire

Instead of allowing yourself to be controlled by the “Coulda, woulda, shoulda,” focus on the here and now - things you can control.  If your present life isn’t exactly playing out how you had envisioned, make the changes you need so that you’re on track to thoroughly enjoy your future.

Photo courtesy of Crystal Coleman

As Shakespeare said, “It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.”

It’s up to you to discover and explore your passions in this life.  After all, no one has as much of a vested interest in them as you do. When a clear picture of your best life begins to take shape, forge forward into it and determine to make it into your new reality.

 

Comments { 0 }

Make Fear Less of a Factor in Your Life Equation

By on November 27, 2012 in Balance and Happiness, Career, Psychology

Photo courtesy of epsos.de

You know those long e-mail questionnaires we all used to send around to our friends under the guise of getting to know people better? Loaded with questions about our physical characteristics, likes, dislikes, and aspirations – they presented us with the perfect opportunity to talk about our favorite subjects – ourselves.

With changes in technology happening faster than the blink of an eye, email surveys quickly became yesterday’s news. Personally, I found them tiring pretty much from their inception, and I had a reason for my dislike. It was simple, really. I used to be uncomfortable in any situation where I didn’t have all of the answers.

I suppose you might ask why I wouldn’t have all of the answers to an email survey about my height, hair color, and whether I’d rather be a pirate or a ninja. Obviously, those weren’t the questions that tripped me up (ninja, naturally.) It was the deeper questions I never felt like answering, like whether I was in a happy relationship or what I hoped my life would look like in five years.

As it turns out, I wasn’t alone in avoiding harsh realities about my life.  In actuality, there are thousands of people trying to avoid facing feelings of discontentment and many other disappointing realities in their lives, and for most of us, the driving force behind our avoidance is the four-letter f-word.

FEAR.

Every day, countless people bury themselves in avoidance because they fear that facing the problem could cause them to experience failure of some type.  Fear is a very powerful emotion that can keep us from shooting for the stars and achieving our ultimate goals that would skyrocket our happiness level.   Allowing our fears to control us prevents us from living the lives we really want.

Fears of abandonment, job loss, going into debt, rejection, intimacy, not measuring up, and even a fear of success itself are all common and natural. Usually, feeling scared keeps us safe and prevents us from doing things that often might end up causing us harm. There are times, though, when it’s in our best interest to feel afraid of something and to pursue it anyway.  The hard part is knowing when to listen to our fears and when to challenge them.

It’s quite possible that, unless you feel quite substantially miserable in your current life circumstances, you’ll be less likely to pursue your dreams due to a fear of the unknown. Even if your life as you know it is far from your ideal life, it’s familiar and safe. Many people have a desire to live a different kind of life, work in a different field, or be married to someone different, but the fear of what it would take to get there is simply too strong.

I’m a prime example of a person who faced a great deal of fear in order to live the life I really wanted. The life I had before wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t my ideal existence. It was SO SCARY taking that first step in the journey to where I am now! But once I took the first step, the momentum kept me moving in the direction I should’ve been heading all along.

Will you let fear control your decisions or can you handle feeling afraid of the fall but taking the leap anyway?

Comments { 5 }

Generation Z: What the Me! Me! Generation Means for You

By on November 15, 2012 in Learning, Psychology, Self-awareness

Photo courtesy of Allen Skyy

Anyone who was born after the late 1990s grew up in the digital era and never knew life before the World Wide Web. Known as ‘Generation Z’, today’s young people started Googling and Skype-ing right around the same time they started peeing in the potty.

Texting, Face-timing, downloading apps – these are all second nature to Generation Z, and they all have a multitude of webpages dedicated to their own self-promotion (think Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, WordPress and LinkedIn.)

Another thing specific to Generation Z is their intense fascination with memes – funny pictures, sayings, and YouTube videos that they share with their friends via email, Facebook or Twitter. Ask any of them what ‘meme’ really means, and you’ll probably be met with a blank stare, but only for as long as it takes them to Google it.

If they did Google it, they’d discover that the word ‘meme’ came from the Greek word ‘mimeme’, and it was determined by biologist Richard Dawkins that a meme is any cultural entity imitated by humans, like nursery rhymes, prejudice, and phrases, like “Where’s the beef?” Dawkins coined the term ‘meme’ in his book, The Selfish Gene, but it has gone mostly unused for 30 until now, when, coincidentally what has been dubbed America’s most self-absorbed generation ever, brought it back to life.

Their self-absorbed reputation stems from the fact that these digital natives spend a lot of time alone, ensconced in their digital lives instead of spending time with other people. Although they may have a lot of friends, they communicate with them largely through virtual interactions like texting, Skype-ing, and Facebooking.

Dealing with their “Me! Me!” attitudes and their tech-focused communication skills can take some getting used to. I have two children who are members of Generation Z, and I always try to balance their technology-rich lives with old-fashioned activities like scavenger hunts, card games, and face-to-face talking. If you’re also a parent of a Gen Z-er, it’s important to monitor their technology use and mix it up with real world experiences.

Teaching a classroom full of Generation Z-ers or managing them at work could put your traditional leadership skills to the test if you’re not already parents of tech savvy kids. Constant access to speedy electronic devices has created a generation with a strong desire for instant feedback. Also, although they have tons of information at their fingertips, they sometimes have trouble determining which sources are reliable (evidenced by the recent popularity of Wikipedia for research purposes.)

If you are a member of Generation Z, and you’ve reached early adulthood, real life situations like marriage could prove challenging for you. If your significant other is also a Z-er, and much of your courtship was largely based on Facebook interactions with a little sexting thrown in on the side, make sure you flip down the lid of your laptop and power down your iPhone in favor of some in-person lip service. Although those me!me! messages can be really funny, what’s even better is when she holds your hand while you talk about us!us!

Comments { 7 }

Sing Goodbye to the Blues: Why Music is Great for Your Mental State

By on September 20, 2012 in Balance and Happiness, Mental health, Psychology

Photo courtesy of JD Hancock

A great appreciation for music is something that many of my family members share – ranging from musical inclinations to having a general love of music. Throughout my life, I’ve often used specific songs to put me into the right frame of mind for certain situations, and I have a sibling who is veritably obsessed with the entire concept of music.

Of course, music has been used for thousands of years to enhance a variety of situations, so I realize that it’s not just my little family that has discovered the amazing benefits of song. Marching bands get fans into the spirit of football games, lullabies tend to soothe and calm fussy babies, and teachers use catchy tunes to help students learn. What I wanted to know was: why?

After doing a little research, I discovered that there appears to be a very real connection in the brain between music and mood. Congratulations to us for being onto something all of these years!

Recent research shows that even the anticipation of your favorite song will give you a rush, but for the full benefits, you’ll have to keep listening until you reach your peak emotional arousal. Sounds worth looking (or listening) into, no?

Dopamine, a neuro-transmitter, is released by nerve cells in response to the feeling of pleasure that we get from external (and usually tangible) rewards like food, money, drugs, sex, and some activities that may signal that one of these rewards is imminent, like falling in love.

However, since listening to music isn’t really thought of as a tangible reward, the brain’s dopamine response to music had not been studied until recently.

The results are impressive.

The levels of dopamine in the brain increased by up to 9% in people who were observed while listening to some of their favorite music.  This is exciting news, because it verifies that “we can release dopamine in anticipation of something abstract, complex and not concrete, such as an aesthetic stimulus,” according to Valorie Salimpoor, co-author of the study.

The study also cemeted the fact that the chills you get during your favorite part of a song are due to the levels of dopamine spiking in your brain.  This moment is also called a musical ‘frisson.’

This tells me that Gloria Estefan was right – eventually, the rhythm is gonna get you – to smile! People have been telling us for years to listen to more music when we’re feeling down. With scientific proof that it works, what’s stopping you?

 

 

Comments { 1 }

Girls Gone Mild: Why it is Important to Raise Confident Daughters

By on May 10, 2012 in Psychology


Photo courtesy of familymwr
I have a handful (maybe two) of women in my life that I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. A few years ago I began selectively reducing my female friendships because I simply wasn’t getting anything out of them other than added stress and annoyance. Recently, after an unnecissarily complicated interaction with someone, I became curious about the psychology behind female friendships. Everyone knows that women’s friendships can be fraught with difficulties, but what I wanted to know was: why? I have spent most of my life engaged in extremely deep and meaningful friendships that gave me immense satisfaction. However, those friendships were usually with men.

As I did a little research and discussed this phenomenon with some of my friends, I learned a few interesting things about women that explain many of my experiences over the years. Typically, boys are raised to be confident and competitive, while girls, on the other hand, are taught to be caring and empathetic without a hard competitive edge.  These girls slowly grow into women who have stifled their aggressions and self-confidence in order to meet society’s expectations. The result is dismal: instead of expressing their competitive natures openly, these women have developed a hidden desire for other women to fail, thus making them look better in comparison.

Once I fully grasped this concept, I did an inventory of my current list of close female friends. As I was raised to have a strong competitive edge and determined personality, I naturally connect with women with similar upbringings. I realized that the female friendships I have chosen to walk away from were all with someone who had low self-confidence, little sense of healthy competition, and a general aura of resentment. The women I have in my life now are all highly motivated, accomplished, competitive and can take what they dish out because they are extremely self-confident. Most of my girlfriends will tell you that they have been referred to as “one of the guys,” which just goes to show that society only expects men to be openly aggressive.

My ultimate opinion is that many of these women have become uncomfortable with their own feelings of aggression and power, and when they sense it in other women, they feel threatened. Stifling their own desire for success or satisfaction can lead to feelings of unworthiness, envy and depression. I have two sons who society has already gotten its grips into – they’re very competitive, determined, outspoken young men.  Social cues are very strong, so I am also busy instilling them with good communication skills, empathy and an ability to express their emotions, hoping for well-rounded men in approximately 12 years.

If you have a daughter, help her pave the way to her future happiness by teaching her that it’s okay to win. And, not only is it okay to win, but it’s also okay to want to win. Celebrate her as a strong female now so that she will be comfortable expressing her full competitive edge as she moves through life, giving her an excellent chance at overall success.

Comments { 8 }

How to Play When the Deck is Stacked Against You

By on May 8, 2012 in Life skills, Psychology, Wellness


Photo courtesy of ccarlstead

During my chiropractic appointment today, I got to talking with the good doc about the condition of my spine and the fact that most of the joints in my body are degenerating prematurely due to Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. After we briefly discussed my diagnosis, he sat down quite abruptly and said, “I can always tell within 5 minutes of meeting someone whether they are going to let their problems overtake them or if they are going to rise up and live life in spite of them. Adrienne – you are a determined person and you have a realistic attitude toward your condition. Embrace your problems and resolve to enjoy your life anyway.”

Of course, he’s right, but it is easy for anyone to lose focus when any part of your life is dragging you down and it seems like the world is against you. Regardless of the nature of your struggles, there is a lot you can do to move toward enjoying your life again, and it’s not as simple as having a good attitude! Although it can be difficult to stay motivated and engaged in life when faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges, one thing you definitely do NOT want to do is to adopt the “woe is me” approach. You might not always feel positively thrilled with the circumstances of your life, but try to steer clear of drowning in self-pity. This step alone will keep you afloat while you try to adapt your life accordingly.

Be proactive. Make a clear plan that sets out the goals you hope to achieve, whether personal, physical, emotional, or professional.  Be sure that you have specific goals and a clear plan of action that will allow you to accomplish them. Difficult times test our motivation levels, and staying focused on the end game will push you to persevere even when you really don’t want to.  Choose to spend your time with people who buoy your self-confidence and don’t bring you down further.  Eliminate “problem people” from your life and surround yourself with those who make you feel understood and encouraged during hard times.

As I have learned, sometimes life is less about trading in your cards and more about accepting the hand you have been dealt.  No matter what life has thrown at you, believe in yourself.   Have confidence that you can move through life and enjoy the awesome parts to the fullest. And, instead of battling your inner demons, hold hands with them and invite them along for the ride.

Comments { 3 }

Do You Take Responsibility for Your Own Happiness?

By on May 3, 2012 in Psychology, Self-Improvement


Photo courtesy of Zanatox
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
-Oscar Wilde

As I continue to forge ahead through my 30s, edging closer and closer to the big 4-0, I have become increasingly aware of the significance of my sense of self-awareness and self appreciation. Truly accepting myself as I am, both physically and intellectually, has been a slow process that began 17 years ago when I first realized that I could make a big impact on my own happiness. Over the past decade and a half, I have slowly familiarized myself with the concept of unconditional self-love. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been enlightening.

So many times in life, we willingly criticize ourselves and publicly announce our faults and flaws in front of others. “Look how fat I’ve gotten!” or “I am such an idiot!” are exclamations heard all too often among our family, friends and coworkers. Why are we so hard on ourselves? One theory is that our feelings of self-worth are a reflection of our relationships with our parents during our formative years. Another possibility is a need for forgiveness or feelings of guilt that have yet to be addressed properly. When I began my self-reflection journey, I noted that my relationship with my parents was pretty decent when I was a child. I began earnestly digging to find the source of my feelings of unworthiness, ultimately improving my overall feelings of self-appreciation and allowing me to finally be truly happy.

Many of us spend a lot of time expecting someone else to take the blame for everything that is wrong in our lives. We tend to shift the responsibility of our satisfaction onto others, unconsciously always looking for the perfect scapegoat. However, the realization of true happiness has nothing to do with anyone but ourselves. The process begins with forgiving ourselves and acknowledging that we are doing the best that we can. Letting go of unrealistic, self-imposed ideals is the first step on the road to increased self-confidence and the ability to love deeply. Expending some of our misdirected energy toward nurturing our own self-image means we don’t have to wait around for validation from others! By relying on ourselves for a sense of happiness and love, we can create an inner security that is far more fulfilling than anything external.

Start taking steps to make yourself a priority today. Don’t put off any longer the small changes that could bring about a significantly positive improvement in your sense of well-being and your ability to love unconditionally. Your own happiness depends on it.

Comments { 5 }

Leave the Past Alone and Make the Present Perfect

By on April 24, 2012 in Psychology, Self-Learning


Photo courtesy of TooFarNorth
I spent a great deal of my twenties and early thirties dwelling on the past - thinking about what I should have done differently or wishing I could go back and choose an alternate ending like in those Choose Your Own Adventure books. I’ve spent hours embroiled in bitter ruminations about how my life might have turned out if I hadn’t acted a certain way at what I considered (in hindsight) to be critical turning points in my life story.  Truth be told, for many years, I spent more time in the past than I did in the present.

I was the antithesis of the person who lives her life with “No regrets.” I had more regrets than I knew what to do with. I was literally obsessed with my actions in the past that I had no way of rectifying. When a friend of mine urged me to explain why I was filled with so much remorse about situations that had absolutely no real bearing on my present life, I had an ‘a-ha’ moment. By spending so much time in the past, I had forgotten that what I do have control over is the present.

It’s ok to feel bad about something you did or didn’t do years ago that perhaps you might do differently if given a second chance, like lying to a friend or not helping someone when you should have. But if you’re finding yourself haunted by the Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda about life-changing choices, here’s the thing: there is definitely something amiss, but to find the solution, you’re going to have to start looking in the present instead of the past.

Regardless of whether you’re living in the past, future or in an alternate universe altogether – ask yourself why you aren’t living in the now. Instead of looking backward or forward or at the greener grass on the other side of the fence, look in the mirror. Re-evaluate your life and re-configure your plans so that you can start enjoying every minute as it comes. Determine what you want your life to look like and make a plan to get there. If your present isn’t perfect, do some conjugation until your life is in exactly the right tense.

Find out what other obstacles might be impeding your present happiness with a great book by David Viscott - Emotionally Free – Letting Go of the Past to Live in the Moment.

 

Comments { 3 }