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The #1 Secret to a Successful Relationship

Photo courtesy of Pedro Simoes

The custom of the bridal shower originated in 16th or 17th century Netherlands, and began in the United States in the 1890s. Since that time, brides-to-be across the nation have been receiving advice from their shower guests about just what makes a marriage last. Ranging from silly suggestions and recipe recommendations to counsel about cooperating and helpful hints in the bedroom, there has never been a lack of advice for the soon-to-be wed.

What follows is a compilation of some of the best advice that most successful (and happy) couples have taken to heart:

  • Overlook imperfections, flaws and shortcomings - In three words: Pick your battles.
  • Have an active sex life – Sex, cuddling, kissing, holding hands – all of these are a definite ‘must have’ in a healthy relationship.  Don’t feel like having sex but your partner does? Do it anyway. It’s worth it, trust me.  Physical intimacy brings emotional intimacy and a deeper closeness.
  • Listen. Healthy relationships include a lot of conversation.  Not much is more empowering than feeling listened to. By taking the time to listen intently to your partner, you validate what he or she has to say and you show that you are willing to accept another point of view without attacking or interrupting. After you listen carefully, make sure to talk openly yourself!
  • Take care of eachother – Find out what your significant other finds nurturing and do it regularly.  Maybe he or she loves to have back rubs after a long day at work.  An easy way to discover the best ways to nurture eachother is to make lists and then exchange them. Small, simple expressions of love like doing the chore that he/she hates the most can go a long way in a long-term relationship!
  • Fight fair – While you need to be honest and open about what bothers you about your partner, it is of the utmost importance that you learn to control your anger while expressing yourself.  Never resort to name calling, accusations, or generalizations, and don’t dig up past mistakes.  Being mad at your significant other can be normal at times, but to express your anger by yelling, storming out, or being direspectful can do permanent damage to any relationship. (SEE BELOW)
  • R.E.S.P.E.C.T.  It’s more than just a song, you know. Being in a relationship guarantees that conflict will arise. It comes with the territory when two people begin interacting so closely every day. From day-to-day annoyances to child discipline strategies, conflict is a necessary element of being in a relationship. When that conflict arises, a successful couple will find ways to talk it out as calmly as possible. Happy couples never disrespect eachother.
  • Forgive eachother – If one of you slips up and doesn’t follow one of the above relationship rules, the other must find a way to forgive (relatively) quickly so that less significant mistakes aren’t the cause of relationship demise.

With all of that being said, the number one secret to a successful relationship is actually quite simple: there is no secret. Although there are some general guidelines to follow that will definitely lead you and your partner in the right direction, every couple is different and will have slightly different needs. What’s important is that you take the time to find out what your relationship requires to stay happy and healthy, for as long as you both shall live.

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Clean Your Windows for a Better Outlook

Photo courtesy of Orin Zebest

If there’s one thing I’ve noticed recently, it’s that negativity seems to be a trend that’s quickly rising in popularity. I see it daily on the Internet, I hear it at my local grocery store, I listen to it on the radio and watch it on television. I rarely even turn on my TV, but when I do, I want to watch something funny and lighthearted at the end of my work day. Instead, I click from channel to channel, only to find more and more men and women berating eachother, talking badly about themselves, and having repeated pity parties.

I’ve been mulling this over for awhile, but I am finally able to put it into words: Precisely when did it become cool to be a drag?

When I check to see what’s new on Facebook, I’m bombarded with negative and self-depricating status updates that are filled with unfulfilled dreams, complaints about traffic, sarcastic and bitter comments about parenthood.

I see the same things in my real life, too.  I regularly tell my family and close friends to speak more highly of themselves. What we say and think about ourselves becomes our truth.

If you’re looking out at the world through dirty windows, nothing looks pretty, but if you take some time and make those windows shine, suddenly everything will sparkle.

If your view of yourself is distorted, put on a pair of rose-colored glasses from the Dollar Store for awhile and see if they help.  At the very least, they’ll make you giggle when you look in the mirror.

Here are a few other things you can do to try to make a shift toward a better outlook in your everyday interactions:

  • Take an honest look at your negativity. Own up to it, and see if you can figure out where it is coming from.
  • Try to recognize that being negative can have a real impact on those around you. You may be making yourself unlikeable.
  • Write down your negative thoughts, like, “Now that she did that, she is dead to me.” Turn it around into something like “All friends have disagreements.  I’m sure we can work it out.”
  • When you have a negative thought, turn the images in your head into a funny cartoon. Make it absurdly over-the-top so that you can’t help but recognize how silly your original negative thought was.
  • Any time a negative thought enters your mind, close your eyes for a moment and imagine that thought inside of a giant bubble.  Exhale, blowing that bubble, and the negative thought, far away.
  • Practice positive self-talk every day. Do this by reminding yourself what you are good at, what you do like about yourself, and repeating a positive mantra while you look in the mirror.
  • Smile at strangers. Say thank you more often. Being friendly and smiling are easy ways to make you feel better about yourself and your life.
  • Do your best not to spend too much time with other people who live in houses with dirty windows (especially if they refuse to clean them).

Taking a fresh look at life (and yourself) can be so uplifting that you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.  I guarantee you’ll keep your windows streak-free once you realize how great the world looks without all of that unsightly dirt getting in the way.

 

 

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How to Turn off Auto-Pilot and Live Your Life to the Fullest

Photo courtesy of Bing Ramos

On the journey toward living with mindfulness and balance, it’s important not to slip into auto-pilot too often.  Much like arriving at a familiar destination in your car and having no idea how you got there, living life on auto-pilot steals moments right out from under you. It’s so easy to zone out, and it’s ok to let it happen once in awhile, but for the most part, living mindfully means paying attention to every moment we are lucky enough to experience.

I’ve spent a significant amount of time creating effectual habits in order to become more productive, and that type of automated thinking, in the appropriate settings, is actually good for my brain and allows me to function better professionally. Habitual thinking occurs when the brain becomes so accustomed to certain tasks that performing them becomes automatic, leaving us able to concentrate on more important things. Examples of beneficial habits include exercising, flossing your teeth, and taking your vitamins every day.

A problem arisis when the brain slips into automatic mode too often, leading to lost life experiences. In order to use your inner capacities for awareness and insight, it’s important to focus on “being” rather than “doing.” Living mindfully means letting your mind rest in each moment as it comes, watching your thoughts and reactions to all that life has to offer.

If you’re finding it difficult to shut off auto-pilot and be more present in your life, here are ten simple things you can do to get started:

1. Appreciate the things others do for you. Start taking notice of the small favors people do for you. By telling my husband how much I appreciate what he does, I’m more in tune with how happy he makes me feel.

2. Start listening. Admit it: when your kids (or sometimes your friends) launch into a long story, it’s easy to stop paying attention. Instead of formulating your response, sit back, watch the person’s body language, and listen.

3. Sit with your body; quiet your mind. You can do this at any point during the day. Take a break from what you’re doing, feel the space your body is taking up, and think only of your breathing.

4. Be more aware of your posture. Becoming more attuned to where your body is in space can turn a slouch into a ramrod straight spine. I have personally grown a full inch since posture became a priority.

5. Think of those who are less fortunate. When you’re facing a hurdle, take a moment to imagine how it would feel to be homeless or seriously disabled. Then turn your focus back to your life, and grasp the full greatness of what you do have.

6. Practice progressive relaxation. You can combine this with #3 when you have time. Lie down in a comfortable position. Tighten and then systematically relax each muscle group.

7. Eat slowly. Allow your food to sit on your tongue longer; put your fork down in between bites. Enjoy the way your food tastes, feels, and smells.

8. Drive under the speed limit. By making a concious effort to move more slowly, you’ll realize that life doesn’t have to be so fast paced, leaving you more capable of enjoying the scenery.

9. Recognize that answering your cell phone is a choice. So many people answer calls, text, or read facebook updates while engaging in face-to-face interactions with other people! Put your phone down, turn it off, and focus on the real people around you.

10. Do things that make you feel good. You have the power to say yes and no. Utilize that power according to your happiness requirements. Simply: participate in activities that you enjoy, and avoid situations and people that cause your happiness level to suffer.

Simply because Ford predicts that cars will soon be equipped with nearly complete auto-pilot capabilities doesn’t mean that humans should follow their lead. On the road of life, you’re the one navigating. Choose your destination, feel the wind in your hair, and stop often along the way.

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Sing Goodbye to the Blues: Why Music is Great for Your Mental State

Photo courtesy of JD Hancock

A great appreciation for music is something that many of my family members share – ranging from musical inclinations to having a general love of music. Throughout my life, I’ve often used specific songs to put me into the right frame of mind for certain situations, and I have a sibling who is veritably obsessed with the entire concept of music.

Of course, music has been used for thousands of years to enhance a variety of situations, so I realize that it’s not just my little family that has discovered the amazing benefits of song. Marching bands get fans into the spirit of football games, lullabies tend to soothe and calm fussy babies, and teachers use catchy tunes to help students learn. What I wanted to know was: why?

After doing a little research, I discovered that there appears to be a very real connection in the brain between music and mood. Congratulations to us for being onto something all of these years!

Recent research shows that even the anticipation of your favorite song will give you a rush, but for the full benefits, you’ll have to keep listening until you reach your peak emotional arousal. Sounds worth looking (or listening) into, no?

Dopamine, a neuro-transmitter, is released by nerve cells in response to the feeling of pleasure that we get from external (and usually tangible) rewards like food, money, drugs, sex, and some activities that may signal that one of these rewards is imminent, like falling in love.

However, since listening to music isn’t really thought of as a tangible reward, the brain’s dopamine response to music had not been studied until recently.

The results are impressive.

The levels of dopamine in the brain increased by up to 9% in people who were observed while listening to some of their favorite music.  This is exciting news, because it verifies that “we can release dopamine in anticipation of something abstract, complex and not concrete, such as an aesthetic stimulus,” according to Valorie Salimpoor, co-author of the study.

The study also cemeted the fact that the chills you get during your favorite part of a song are due to the levels of dopamine spiking in your brain.  This moment is also called a musical ‘frisson.’

This tells me that Gloria Estefan was right – eventually, the rhythm is gonna get you – to smile! People have been telling us for years to listen to more music when we’re feeling down. With scientific proof that it works, what’s stopping you?

 

 

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How to Unblock Your Flow for Optimal Productivity

Photo courtesy of Drew Coffman

For optimal professional productivity in our lives, we must be in a free “flow state” – which essentially means that we love what we are doing. Time flies when your flow is open and your creativity is sparked.  Everything else in your world becomes background noise as you focus in on the task at hand.

As a writer, when I experience a loss of flow, it’s called “writer’s block,” but this problem definitely presents itself in a wide variety of professions.  Even what appear to be the most mundane and routine jobs and tasks can be engaging and fun as long as you enjoy what you do.

To develop good flow and to keep it unblocked, you’ll need to have clear professional goals, good concentration skills, an established pattern of feedback, and the appropriate skill level to accomplish what you’ve set out to do.

Tips to Open Your Flow:
Always have a conclusion in mind. (When will your task be “finished?”)
Stay focused by practicing concentration every day. (Form a healthy, positive habit.)
Know where you can get reliable feedback.
Stop while you’re ahead (or excited.)
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Find a new location, even if it means simply moving to another desk for awhile.
Unformat your regular task process and come at it from another direction.
Never forget to have fun! As soon as the fun stops, your flow becomes blocked.
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Find new ways to constantly challenge yourself.
Love what you do.
Open your thoughts. Live and work mindfully.
Work productively, feel satisfied, and be happy.

 

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Take This Job and Love it: How to Practice Mindfulness in the Workplace

Photo courtesy of Sukhasanachair

Since today is officially Labor Day, we are supposed to recognize all of the economic and social contributions of our country’s workforce, which happens to include most of us. Since it’s us that we’re appreciating, I propose that we view today as a welcome day off and a last goodbye to long summer days and family vacations. Enjoy each and every moment of today – whether you’re sleeping in late, cooking burgers, or watching movies all afternoon. Be thankful that you have a job to have a day off from.

Make tomorrow your Labor Day! You’ll be back at work, after all, and you will have had the benefit of a long weekend to fuel your professional engine.  As your way of celebrating your Labor Day, find small ways to bring mindfulness into your workplace. We already know that thinking, moving, and eating mindfully keeps us centered in the moments of life, bringing us more in touch with ourselves and our experiences. As we practice mindfulness, our cortisol levels drop, leaving us with a feeling of evaporating clouds of stress and a sudden clarity of the here and now.

Although job-related situations may not typically be on your radar as appropriate mindfulness opportunities, they should be. Another benefit of living mindfully is an increase in productivity and the ability to come up with new ideas.  In fact, many companies today have begun encouraging mindful practices within the workplace. Although it has proven challenging and has seen some resistance, the movement toward corporate mindfulness is definitely on the rise.

To be more mindful at work, try some of the following suggestions:

  • Observe before you react. Allow situations to unfold completely. Gather information with clarity and purpose, but without judgement. This will allow you to react more calmly, effectively, and creatively.
  • Window gaze. Ideally, take at least a 30 minute walk to be one with nature every single day.  Identify with a particular tree and the way it moves in the breeze, or the brilliant colors of the flowers. Optionally, find a window and gaze out of it for at least 5 minutes to remind yourself that you’re part of a bigger universe than the walls that surround your desk.
  • Hit the pause button. Transitions at work can be jarring and can destroy your focus.  To avoid this effect, work at a steady pace and schedule breaks in between transitions so that you can give yourself time to decompress and find your center before the next meeting or event.
  • Check yourself. If you need a reminder to check in with yourself during the day, download The Mindfulness App, or set an alarm or timer. At intervals of your choice, do a self-check during which you simply focus on your breathing and being in your body.  Remember that you are a living, breathing person and not just a work drone!
  • Humanize your coworkers. Recognize that everyone you work with is dealing with challenges every day, just as you are, and chances are good that all they really want is to be happy too. This will make it easier to interact with them, even if their behavior hasn’t always pleased you.
  • Use the ‘three breaths’ technique. Anytime you’re ready to hit ‘Send’, ‘Save’, or ‘Publish’, take three slow deep breaths to clear your mind.  Then revisit the email, memo, or article in order to verify that your intentions, words, and ideas are all in order and that they make sense.

If you’re a leader in your workplace, lead with mindfulness by keeping an eye on the big picture.  By staying focused on yourself and the others on your team, you’ll have a much clearer idea of what is happening, why it is happening, and the decisions you need to make to be effective.

Mindfulness helps us gain clarity, achieve balance, and get more pleasure out of any situation or setting. On your journey toward living a more fulfilled life, remember to let your work persona in on the enjoyment, too.

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23 Impressive Sights to Mindfully Experience

Photo courtesy of Pic Fix

I recently took a weekend trip to Washington, D.C. with my newfound dedication to living mindfully. It was, without a doubt, one of the most enjoyable vacations of my life, and I credit that to the fact that I remained focused on staying in the moment at all times. My mind was blown by the number of things I had never noticed about the city before. I took immense pleasure from simply sitting on a bench that overlooked the Potomac River. I made a conscious effort to experience each moment for what it had to offer, without looking toward the future and what was next on our itinerary.

The satisfaction we can gain by mindfully approaching a wide variety of sense-stimulating destinations can significantly enhance and enrich our life experiences. Here are some excellent places to test your ability to live mindfully:

1. New York’s Central Park in the fall

2. The Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington, DC

3. The view from the Eiffel Tower at night

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


4. Lucy the Elephant

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Dachau Concentration Camp

6. Lavender Fields in France at sunset

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Portland’s Japanese Garden

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. Machu Piccu

9. Times Square on New Year’s Eve

10. The view of Bora Bora from the Thalasso Spa Resort

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11. The frozen waterfalls in Pamukkale, Turkey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12. Longwood Gardens at Christmastime

13. A redwood tree in California

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

14. Mardis Gras

15. Ka Tao beach, Thailand

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16. Miami Beach

17. Yellowstone National Park in the winter

18. The Black Forest

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

19. The tomb of Christopher Columbus in Seville, Spain

20. Niagara Falls

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

21. The Met

22. One World Trade Center

23. The Statue of Liberty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Credits:
3. Geofftheref
4. Amy_Kearns
6. Vainsang
7. ahp_ibanez
10. Pierre Lesage
11. Armando Lodi
13. Drburtoni
15. Narisa
18. LinksmanJD
20. ipeters61
23.
photosinframes

 

 

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How to Kick Life’s Buzzkills to the Curb

Photo courtesy of DaveAustria.com

Early in my third decade of life, I really started ‘coming into my own,’ as they say. In my twenties, I scoffed if someone suggested that I wouldn’t be fully self-aware and self-confident for another ten years. I thought I knew everything back then, but it’s true that a powerful shift begins right around the age of thirty. It’s mostly common sense, though, and can be chalked up to simply getting wiser with experience.

Regardless of the reason, as the years continue to fly by, my tolerance level for nonsense continues to drop. I believe the young people today would define my attitude as living “drama-free.”

I suppose the definition of ‘drama’ is different for everyone, but as we used to say in the 90s, it’s basically when someone puts a ‘major buzz kill’ on your mood.  Now that you are starting to find a direct path to being high on life, don’t let the following undesirable personality-types kill your mojo any longer:

  1.  The Cray Cray – This person is constantly full of wildly swinging emotions and usually has a dangerous potential for big blowouts. They may seem delusional and irrational.
  2.  The Negative Nancy – If you have a friend who is a constant whiner and always harps on the bad points of everything, maybe it’s time to tell them to cry a river somewhere else.
  3.  The Busybody - This is someone who appears to have no life of her own, giving her an excess amount of time to monitor and judge your every move.
  4.  The Emotional Drunk - All hell breaks loose when this person has one too many  drinks.  Sensibilities are lost right along with inhibitions, leading to ’dramatic’ professions, confessions, and sober tension the next day.
  5.  The Time Suck – Body language and social cues mean nothing to a time vampire. They show little consideration for anyone else’s time but their own, and if they get you cornered, or stuck on the phone, you can wave bye-bye to your productivity.
  6.  The Truthfully Challenged – Getting caught in a web of lies is what these people do religiously. For some, compulsive lying can be a very real mental disorder.
  7.  The Bitter Pill – Someone who’s perpetually in a bad mood due to what they consider a series of negative life events aimed at them personally can be a bit tough to swallow.
  8.  The Jealous Janet – They may display their envy in a variety of ways, like downplaying your successes, spreading rumors, or making snarky comments like, “Must be nice.”
  9.  The Braggart -With a constant need to impress, these name-droppers will never end up impressing anyone until they stop trying so hard.
  10.  The Absentee – Known in the 90s as a ‘flake’, this person often commits to things but doesn’t show up or follow through. This group also includes those who constantly ‘Tardy for the Party.”
  11.  The Close-Minded Fool- Completely unreceptive to new or different ideas and opinions, this person is very ‘un-fun’ to have a meaningful conversation with.
  12.  The Control Freak – Wanting to dominate every situation, a control freak will try to manipulate you until you relinquish all power in the relationship.
  13.  The Two-Face – Someone who expends all extra energy discussing the faults of others will not only have a negative effect on your mood, but is guaranteed to be talking behind your back, too.

Of course, nobody’s perfect, and maybe someone from the above list is on the same journey toward happiness that you are.  If that’s the case, they’ll be receptive to making changes in their behavior that are good for them and you.  Otherwise, it is most definitely time to move forward and ’kick them to the curb.’

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Making Summer Memories that Last

Photo courtesy of Lin Pernille

Although it does indeed feel like the summer of 2012 is flying by faster than any summer that has come before it, we can still make the most out of the last few weeks of August. Let’s make some warm memories that will keep away the winter blues in a few months, while we still have a chance. I, for one, will be making a few last ditch attempts to suck the most life out of this summer that I can. The hot sun, the long days, fireflies blinking at us as we sit ’round the tiki torches in the evenings that seem to stretch on endlessly, well, that will all be gone in a few short weeks. Or, as it will most likely seem: the blink of an eye.

Even though the responsibility-free summers of our youth are gone, it is important to connect with our inner child more than we do. We need to breathe in this blissful season and take some time off from the daily grind! (And not run errands all day.)  As a friend of mine reminded me today, “Summer’s almost over,” I made a decision. I’m going to make the most out of the rest of it so that when I’m mentally fried during the middle of winter, I have some awesome memories to look back on.  Here are some of the activities I plan to mindfully enjoy in the next three or four weeks:

  1. Go to an awesome water park.
  2. Have a picnic.
  3. Spend 10 minutes outdoors every day before work.
  4. Read a book in a comfortable outdoor spot.
  5. Go boogie boarding in the ocean.
  6. Skip stones at the nearest pond.
  7. Hike through the wilderness and pick wildflowers.
  8. Go to the boardwalk and breathe in the awesome smells of summer fun.
  9. Play in an open air arcade.
  10. Do yoga outside.
  11. Fall asleep on the beach.
  12. Eat ice cream on the boardwalk.
  13. Be a tourist, even if it’s near where you live.
  14. Do a handstand in the pool.
  15. Go skinny dipping.
  16. Enjoy as much fresh produce as humanly possible.

As summer turns to fall and our tans begin to gradually fade, at least we’ll have these warm memories to tide us over until next year.  Be sure to be mindfully present in whatever you do so that you can recall the fun, warm times when the snow is falling outside your window.  What do you still have in store this summer?

 

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Should There be a Real Life ‘Unfriend’ Button?

Photo courtesy of Silly Lil’ Doe

One summer, while working in a mall boutique to make extra money, I met a girl who I thought might have real potential to become more than just a co-worker. I saw her a few times a week when we shared shifts, but not often enough to really get to know her.

The summer ended, along with my job, but our friendship continued. Soon she was visiting me often and calling me many times a day, leaving multiple voice mails on my phone. When I did spend time with her, the conversations were one-sided and I could never get a word in edge-wise. My frustration with her grew until one day I found myself ducking behind a display when I saw her at the grocery store. I realized I would be happy if I never saw her again.

Some friendships shift, fade, or simply turn out to be something you weren’t expecting. And now that we are all digitally connected via facebook and Twitter, ditching someone can be infinitely more difficult than it used to be.

So, can you get out of a friendship with someone who’s toxic or is just generally driving you crazy? And is it possible that your life would be drama-free if you could?

Actually, it’s quite likely that you’ll create more drama by carrying out some elaborate “break-up” plan with a friend. Unless things are really, dramatically awful (as in, this person is making your life completely, 100% miserable), you probably don’t need to sit them down and give them the ”We’re Not Friends” speech.  Although many of us probably have at least one or two people we fantasize about saying that to - in reality, it’s just not that simple, especially if you share friends who may feel forced to take sides. Also, once you say those words, they can’t be taken back, and you will have drawn a very distinct line in the sand.

That being said, continually exposing yourself to someone who really rubs you the wrong way can create a stumbling block on your path toward acknowledging your self-worth and value. Try to institute what author and psychologist Dr. Andrea Bonior calls “The Slow Fade.” In her book “The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing, and Keeping Up with Your Friends,” Dr. Bonior explains The Slow Fade as only seeing the person when you have to, in groups of friends. Begin to let all other contact with him or her fade into an acquaintance-type of friendship. Often this set-up is much easier to bear, even with the most agonizing of personalities. It can backfire, though, if your withdrawal only fuels your friend to seek you out with more determination. In that case, you may need to make a clean break.

Ultimately, you’ll have to do what feels right, based on the level of stress this petulant person is causing you, the number of friends you have in common, and his or her reaction to the new state of your friendship. While it might be easy to “ignore” someone’s online friendship request or “unfriend” your neighbor’s boyfriend’s cousin because her constant photo posts are clogging up your news feed, breaking up in real life really is hard to do.

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