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Author Archive | Adrienne McGuire

How to Find Happiness After Divorce

By on March 14, 2013 in Balance and Happiness, Overcoming Obstacles, Relationships

walk after divorcePhoto courtesy of Ahmed Sinan

When a marriage ends, it’s normal for both parties to feel a wide array of emotions, including: anger, anxiety, confusion, disappointment, fear, freedom, guilt, loneliness, relief and sadness. Most people go through a mourning period after a breakup or divorce, even if the relationship had turned sour.  This happens due to the loss of a future that no longer exists.

Three years ago, my ex-husband and I just weren’t working as a romantic couple any longer. Deciding to divorce after ten years of marriage was a painful and difficult decision for both of us. During the time surrounding the separation and divorce, unanswered questions ate at me. How would I support my children financially? Who would I turn to for emotional support? Would I lose the close friendships I’d formed with my in-laws? How could I protect my children from feeling insecure during such an unsettling time?

Since the end of a marriage or long-term relationship is one of the most emotional hurdles that you’ll ever have to face, make it your goal just to clear this one without falling flat on your face. A little stumbling is to be expected.

  • Feel the pain. Like physical pain, being mindfully aware of emotional pain is crucial and will help you overcome the worst of it much faster. Allow yourself to sit with your feelings. Give yourself permission to let the grief and sadness wash over you. Sit with your pain and really feel it. In doing so, you release the power it has over you.
  • Then feel happy. Although it may not be as instantaneous or complete as you’d like, mindfully releasing your grief will make room for a degree of happiness to eke its way back in.
  • Accept the change. As you begin to feel little twinges of happiness again, you’ll also want to mindfully accept this new life as your life now.
  • Talk, talk, talk. Whether it’s a paid professional or a close friend, verbalizing your feelings is another great release. Speak your worries, and then let them go.
  • Keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. Your life isn’t over; it’s just different. Although it may seem impossible at first, your life at the end of the grieving period may be even better than before.

Once you’ve been able to accept the changes that’ve transpired, you’ll want to focus on moving forward and living your new life to the fullest. Dr. Phil says:

  • Explain to your kids what Mom and Dad’s new relationship is. They need to understand that you’re still a team, but they also need some clarity on your new roles. Don’t try to “outparent” your ex. Do you really want your children to have a bad parent? Focus on the future and begin to see your ex from your children’s point of view instead of your own.

If you don’t have kids, you’ll get to the next part faster:

  • Make some time to get reacquainted with yourself.  This might take quite awhile; you’ve probably been getting at least part of your self-awareness through the feedback provided to you by your significant other. Re-visit some of your old hobbies or explore something new. Let yourself be a little selfish and take the time you need to strike a harmonious balance again.
  • Don’t play the blame game. Instead, focus your energy on what you can do to make your life better now. Keep your eyes facing forward and give yourself permission to be happy regardless of what has transpired in your relationship.

As a newly single person, you’re not up against the world – but you are up against two version of yourself. Whether you find happiness after divorce has nothing to do with the world around you. Dig deep, find your inner strength, and let your best self prevail.

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How to Say No Without Feeling Like a Dud

By on March 12, 2013 in Awareness of others, Balance and Happiness, Life skills, Relationships

Photo courtesy of Melissa Maples

It’s become a popular trend to come from “a place of yes” in many aspects of the hustle and bustle of modern life.  The pressure is on to do good deeds, raise well-rounded kids, have a respectable job, serve on a multitude of committees, attend the right social events, and look good while doing it all seamlessly.

I support the idea of generally coming from a place of yes; in fact, one of the quotes I live by is: “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference” (Winston Churchill). I work hard to make sure my children know that they can do anything they set their minds to. I applaud their attempts at new things and their willingness to step out of their comfort zones whenever possible. And of course, I lead them by example.

With all of that being said, without the right boundaries in place, this can easily lead to a life crammed too full of all the wrong things. By saying “yes” too often to others, your life may suddenly seem emptier than ever before.

The solution sounds easy enough, but suddenly saying ”no” can be quite difficult. Your desire to keep the peace, fear of appearing rude, and a strong desire to be helpful are some of the reasons that may be causing you to overfill your plate, time and time again.

Surprisingly, many people report that others begin to show a newfound respect for them once they start declining, and that their own self awareness improves exponentially. The key is finding the right way to say “no.”

  • Get clear on your “Yes.”  Decide what is most important in your own life, and get your priorities in order. By putting your needs first (and the needs of your family), you’ll then have a better idea of how much you can agree to take on without cutting in to your own time, creating a sweet balance.
  • Think before agreeing. Some people feel pressured into taking on more than they can handle when put on the spot.  To avoid this, practice buying time. Tell the person that you’d like to think about it/check your calendar/ask so-and-so before committing. By putting a little time between the request and your response, you’ll have an easier time coming up with a reason for saying “no.” Anyone who is respectful of your time will be ok with waiting for a response.
  • Offer an alternative. Sometimes you may get requests for your help when you’re really not the best person for the task. If this happens, explain that while you may not be able to offer much help, you can steer them in the right direction to get the help they need.
  • Share your reasons. If you simply can’t help because you’re too busy, it’s ok to say that. Explain that you’d love to help, but that you’ve got x, y, and z going on at the moment, and that you don’t like to commit to something if you can’t devote the appropriate amount of time and effort required to do it well.

It’s easy to fall into a pattern of bowing to others’ needs before your own, but it’s also really important to get out of that habit as soon as possible. Helping other people is admirable and can be an extremely rewarding part of life, as long as you leave more than enough time in your schedule to be able to stop and smell the roses on a regular basis.

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Are You Addicted to Food? (A Weighty Post)

By on March 7, 2013 in Mental health, Reaching Goals, Wellness

Photo courtesy of Melissa Maples

The first step to recovering from a drug or alcohol addiction is acceptance. We’ve all heard that saying before, and many of us probably know someone who’s dealt with a substance abuse problem. Once a drug or alcohol addict admits to having a problem, the solution is removal of the addictive substance and learning the self-awareness skills that will help them avoid temptation in the future.

Plenty of people use drugs and alcohol for a variety of acceptable social and medicinal reasons, but an addict has reached a sense of physically and psychologically craving their substance of choice. Did you know that a very similar addiction can also happen with food?

I started thinking about this topic when I read a few very disturbing news articles last week. One reported that 25% of women would rather be severely depressed than overweight. In fact, 15% would rather be blind. When I delved a little deeper into the topic, I realized that food addiction is a huge psychological issue for many people.

The culture that we live in glorifies emaciated and gaunt women (as well as thin, muscular, attractive men), and has created a sense of desperation in some people to live up to those glorified images. The problem? In order to do so they must kick their secret food habit, and that is much, much harder than it seems.

Food addicts need food to survive, so unlike alcohol or drugs, avoidance of the very thing that has become an addiction is nigh on impossible. Thus, these people slide into self-hatred at their inability to quit over-eating.

Guess what goes really well with self-loathing? You’ve got it – comfort food.

Thus begins a seemingly unbreakable cycle of self-starvation, hunger, binge-eating, and self-hatred. Pepper in a little depression, fatigue, and what you end up with is someone who sees food as an enemy and a best friend.

Breaking the cycle of turning to food for comfort is difficult because we’re surrounded by food every day. A food addict must continue to feed herself and her children in order to simply stay alive, whereas a drug addict can flush his pills down the toilet and begin “recovering.”

The secret to breaking the food-as-comfort cycle is self-acceptance. Come to terms with the fact that you may never be a size two. Love yourself anyway. Focus on all the things that you love about being you and get rid of negative influences. Even if you’re “overweight,” it’s ok. Stop the struggle. Just be you. Eat to nourish your body, not to comfort your emotions. Change starts on the inside, even when we’re talking about physical appearance.

By fully accepting yourself just as you are, and allowing for the fact that you may never be any thinner than you are right this very second, you release the pressure from yourself to be something that you’re not. Stop dieting and start living. Many food addicts can only lose excess weight once they enter into a healthier relationship with themselves. But even if you’re never as thin as you want to be, it’s ok. You’re beautiful how you are, here, now, today.

 

 

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The #1 Reason You Keep Procrastinating

By on March 5, 2013 in Productivity, time management

Photo courtesy of Sophie

Some people are more notorious than others for procrastinating, but generally speaking, we all know what it feels like to put things off until the last minute. Especially today, with so many modes of entertainment right at our fingertips, staying on top of those less-than-thrilling tasks can be a challenge. While it has been said that “good things come to those who wait,” it’s easy to miss the sweet spot, and before you know it – waiting for the right time can turn into a less-than-desirable habit.

Habitual procrastinators have often been told that they’re lazy, irresponsible, or just plain dumb. The facts point in a different direction, however. A recent study in the Journal of Clinical and Experimental Neuropsychology investigated what exactly causes people to “put things off.”

Have you been called a procrastinator? Are you easily distracted? Have there been times that you’ve made commitments you’ve failed to properly fulfill?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you may be suffering from what is known as Self-Regulation Failure. And, while it sounds rather Doomsday, the bones of the issue are pretty easy to understand and fix.

Psychologists have noticed a pretty solid connection between procrastination and a high ego. Now how many of you just had a lightbulb turn on? I know I did. I definitely think pretty highly of myself, and have been known to procrastinate, so I can vouch for the connection in my case.

Having an elevated sense of self is fantastic, so if you’re feeling pretty good about yourself on a regular basis, let me be the first one to congratulate you. Don’t even think about changing how great you think you are. You can become more productive on a more regular basis without knocking any wind out of your sails.

Here’s what generally happens: A person with a relatively high ego agrees to a certain task sometime in the future. The main reason she agrees to complete the task (be it a favor, freelance project, or work commitment) is because she feels she can accomplish anything. Which she is statistically probably right about.

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford

As the deadline for said task approaches, she may suddenly see the task as above her capabilities, or out of her range of expertise, so she puts it off. If she manages to complete the task but fails to do it well, she considers herself a failure.

Because of her sense of failure, she then begins to procrastinate on more and more action items, until practically everything in her life is put off until the absolute last possible second. You see, she’s afraid to fail again.

If this sounds like you, becoming aware that this phenomenon is occurring in your life may actually be all that you needed. You’ve already got a good sense of self-esteem. Keep agreeing to demanding tasks like you’ve always done in the past, only instead of fearing them, embrace the element of challenge that they bring to your life. Try to glide easily over the little bumps along the way as you complete difficult assignments in a timely manner. As long as you apply yourself and continue to give your all, failure isn’t even an option.

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9 Tricks That Lead to Life-Long Fitness

By on February 28, 2013 in Overcoming Obstacles, Wellness

Photo courtesy of Francois de Halleux

Currently, everyone I know falls neatly into two categories: those who kept up with their New Year’s resolutions and those who didn’t. Regardless of category, nearly all of my closest friends and family members want to get in better shape this year. Don’t we all? Every year?

If you find yourself struggling to get and stay fit, you’re not alone. According to Reuters, 36% of adult Americans are substantially overweight, and 17% of American children are, too. These figures mean that we need to make changes as a nation in order to get and stay healthy. Luckily, the changes can be subtle and still make a huge difference.

Perhaps you’ve merely put on an extra 10 pounds because you’ve reached that stage of your romantic relationship where everything becomes more relaxed – including your formerly strict diet and gym schedule. On the other hand, you may be looking to get fit for the first time in your life.

No matter what the reason, if fitness is your goal, you’ve got to have a doable plan that you feel good about. Otherwise you run the risk of burning out, getting bored, or never getting started in the first place. The following tricks have been recommended by some of the nation’s fittest, like Martin Rooney, an internationally recognized pioneer of strength:

  1. Treat exercising like brushing your teeth. It’s unavoidable, and if you don’t do it regularly, things are going to get bad in a hurry. If you make exercising into a (good) habit, chances are really high that you’ll stay fit for life.
  2. Take it to the playground. Let’s face it – no one’s overly motivated to do something they hate. Make your workouts fun again! Playing on playground equipment, joining a recreational sports team, riding your bike around the ‘hood, jumping rope with your kids – these are all great calorie busters while being fun at the same time.
  3. Make it a two-fer. If you’re more of a straight-laced guy or gal and prefer walking or running to the monkey bars – at least take your workout outside. Time flies by when the scenery is constantly changing, and you’ll burn more calories than on any treadmill. The varied terrain of the outdoors coupled with variable temperatures and wind conditions mean that your body will have to work harder, burning up to 7% more calories, according to Women’s Health magazine. Oh, and the two-fer? Vitamin D, of course!
  4. Mix it up. The saying “Variety is the spice of life” applies to exercising, too. Routines are beneficial (See #1) but as soon as your workout routine becomes overly strict, you’ll get bored. Experiment with different activities, even some that you’ve never tried before.
  5. Chat it up. By finding someone to work out with, you’ll not only avoid workout boredom with conversation, but you’ll also have instant accountability.
  6. Make a workout playlist. As humans, we naturally want to move to a tempo. As far back as 300 B.C., the rowers on the Roman Galleys were led and coordinated by a man banging on a drum. Something in the way our brains work makes us naturally want to walk, run or pedal a bike in synchronization with the music we’re listening to. Somehow, music reduces the perception of effort and can also increase our endurance by up to 15%, according to Costas Karageorghis, Ph.D., from London’s Brunel University.
  7. Break it up. So many of us are bogged down by the notion that we have to spend a continuous amount of time exercising (and only exercising.) For people with a busy schedule, that can get stressful. It’s perfectly ok to work out in small bursts throughout the day, even combining exercises with other daily activities. Try doing crunches while you watch TV at night, or use your break at work to run up and down the stairs several times.
  8. Set goals. While it may not be essential for everybody, most people will benefit from a goal and reward system. This gives you a sense of accomplishment and will encourage you to stay motivated.
  9. Take a stand. Your friends may give you a hard time about your dedication to working out while on vacation, or eating healthy at a sporting event. Staying fit for life requires the courage to stand up for what it takes to get and stay there, even when faced with opposition.

There’s no doubt about it, getting in shape is something that requires commitment and effort on your part. Small changes add up to big consequences, though, so what starts out as baby steps today can easily turn into a life-long love affair with fitness.

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A Success Story that will Amp Up Your Motivation

By on February 26, 2013 in Career, Overcoming Obstacles, Reaching Goals

Photo courtesy of CR Artist

I’ve found that motivation is rather hard to come by this time of year, and that (ironically) was the catalyst for today’s post.

If you’re like me, then you’ve realized how difficult it is to overcome the emotional hurdles that come along with being in a slump – the biggest of which is a feeling of hopelessness. Luckily, motivation is something that comes and goes, and as long as you don’t give up on your goals, you will feel motivated again soon.

Along with staying focused on the end result, there are some other things you can do until your motivation returns, and some of them might even bring it back sooner. At times like this, choose one goal to focus on. Too many things on your To-Do list is a surefire way to overwhelm yourself. Spend some time with your negative thoughts; let yourself feel them without judgement. After a few days, start writing yourself inspirational notes, even if you don’t feel inspired yet.

You can also use this time to be inspired by other success stories, like the one that follows.

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When Howard was just 8 years old, his father lost his blue collar job due to injury, with no opportunities for sick leave or disability pay. Howard’s parents became unable to pay bills, afford healthcare, or even put food on the table. Howard wanted a better life, but he also wanted to make a difference for others. As the first member of his family to attend college, he earned a degree in Communications, after which he worked his way upward with sales and marketing positions.

His incredible drive and work ethic eventually got him hired as Vice President of a fairly large housewares company. Among his clients was a small company that sold coffee beans, loose teas, spices and beverage accessories. Howard became intrigued by this company when they began purchasing more and more of his company’s products. On a business trip to their location, he fostered a relationship with the company owners and eventually became their Director of Marketing.

Soon after, while Howard was on vacation in Italy, he noticed coffee shops on every corner, all brimming with customers day in and day out. People used the coffee shops as meeting places and hangouts. When Howard returned home, he pitched the idea to his bosses. However, the small coffee company owners wanted no part of the ‘restaurant business’ and they quickly dismissed his idea.

Howard was disheartened by their response to his idea, so he left the company to start a chain of coffee shops on his own, called Il Giornale. Two years later, he had enough capital to buy the rights to the small coffee bean company he had left. It cost him $3 million to purchase and he quickly rebranded Il Giornale to combine the two concepts into a colossal money making machine.

Of course, the name of that small coffee bean and tea company was Starbucks, and as of 2012, it is the largest coffeehouse company in the world, and Howard Schultz has a net worth of approximately $1.5 billion. True to his promise to himself when he was just a youngster, every Starbucks employee working 20 or more hours a week receives healthcare options, which are also extended to their spouses.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

I often think about Howard when my motivation is low, and I realize that if he can accomplish such amazing feats, having grown up in a housing project in the Canarsie area of Brooklyn, then surely the rest of us can find the motivation to accomplish our goals, too.

Until your motivation returns, let the stories of people like Howard stoke your fire. You only need one ember burning to keep your dreams from going up in smoke.

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Is Etiquette Dead? Minding Your Manners in a Modern World

By on February 21, 2013 in Awareness of others, Life skills

Photo courtesy of woodleywonderworks

In our world of modern conveniences, we can communicate instantly through Skype, Facetime, online chats, texting, and more. Sites like Facebook, Twitter and Flickr allow us to upload the important moments in our lives to keep friends and loved ones in the loop. Want to know how my trip to Hawaii was? Read my WordPress blog (and leave a comment if you have a question.) Check out my Flickr pics if you want a visual of my new bikini and how we lavishly lived it up.

As a generation who grew up in the shadow of Baby Boomers, Generation X is now having a midlife crisis, and virtually none of them seem to notice.  They’ve hung all their hopes on eternal youth – refusing to grow up and follow the rules of society. While generations past have experienced similar phenomenons – Dad leaving Mom after 20 years of marriage (when Mom leaves Dad it’s therapeutic and not a travesty), Dad buying a convertible and getting a younger girlfriend. Mom might have quit her stable job to start up her own cookie business. Whatever the scenario, at some point, most generations fight the aging process as they desperately try to feel young again.

The difference now, of course, is that Generation Xers have never really grown up. They’ve clung on to their youth white knuckled and sweating, even as they’ve gone through the motions of being adults – like getting married and having kids (marriage optional). Becoming parents hasn’t stopped this generation from partying hard and tweeting harder. “I’m too old for this. Remind me never to do this again!”

One characteristic that seems to be glaringly missing from society these days? Etiquette. Baby Boomers cluck their tongues at the younger generations who figuratively thumb their noses at ‘Manners’. They’ve got better things to do than sending paper thank you cards for all of life’s events. Besides, who uses actual paper anymore? Texting was invented for a reason, right? A thank you text is pretty much all that Generation X feels is necessary.

Women and men are equals now, and this generation embraces that fact like no generation that has come before us. Same sex couples, opposite sex couples, who cares? IT’S ALL GOOD. Today’s thirty-somethings are living life for the moment, shrugging off societal expectations and the need for anything that’s deemed a ‘waste of time.’

Can you sufficiently express thanks and appreciation through a little palm-sized device rather than with a pen, paper and a stamp?

Living mindfully and enjoying all of life’s moments isn’t replacing manners, but it is changing the way we express them. It’s still important to show your appreciation and to keep in touch with loved ones who don’t live a stone’s throw away, but what isn’t important is how you do it. The world as we know it is ever-changing, and as Bruce Barton once said, “When you are through changing, you are through.”

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7 Surprising Habits of Unhappy People

By on February 19, 2013 in Balance, Wellness

Photo courtesy of Melissa Maples

Here at TinyShift, we’re constantly looking for ways to make life better. In the Mindful Mondays series we ran last year, we discovered that one really effective way to increase your overall productivity is by creating effectual habits. It turns out that you need significantly less brain power to perform activities that are habitual as opposed to things that require decision-making.

Because of this, forming as many good habits as possible will help you free up mental energy to focus on important things, whether professionally, personally, or a little bit of both. As there are more than enough people telling you to eat healthier or to exercise more, I decided to take a look at it from the other end.  Here’s a list of common behaviors that you’d be better off avoiding. If you’ve already developed a proclivity for one or more of these, well, it’s in your best interest to quit while you’re still ahead.

  1. Living in fool’s paradise - Spending a little time daydreaming is ok, but if you don’t keep at least one foot on the ground, you could end up missing out on the best parts of your life.
  2. Over-moderating yourself – I know, I know. You’ve finally managed to get yourself under control, and now we’re telling you to let loose? Not exactly. Being able to effectively self-moderate is an important life skill - just don’t limit your creative potential at the same time.
  3. Burning the midnight oil – Everyone pulls a late (or all) nighter once in awhile, but if you turn it into a habit, you could actually end up with a circadian rhythm disorder, which is far more unpleasant than it sounds.
  4. Self-slandering - Rest assured; there will always be someone who’ll try to bring you down in life. It’s your job to be your own biggest fan and loudest cheerleader.
  5. Betting your bottom dollar – Whether you get the Annie reference or not, constantly hanging all your hopes on a brighter tomorrow won’t get you very far. For habitual procrastinators, the perfect tomorrow they’re hoping for never actually comes, leading to a whole lot of nothing. Make things happen today instead.
  6. Mindlessly clicking on the “boob tube” – Research shows that adults who were raised with the tv on all of the time are much more likely to suffer from obesity and insomnia.  They’re also usually inclined to continue the excessive screen time ritual with their own children.
  7. Seeing stars – Starbucks, that is. Caffeine addiction is at an all-time high right now. What may seem like a simple energy boost can actually lead to high blood pressure, trouble sleeping, cardiac problems, stomach ulcers and even death. It’s also a habit with a hefty price tag, so quitting will give you the additional benefit of a fatter wallet.

None of us is perfect – I myself struggle with a thinly veiled Starbucks iced latte obsession which causes me to burn the midnight oil when I allow myself to indulge. The important thing is that I’m able to check myself.  If you have a behavior that could become a bad habit if left unchecked, repeat after me: everything in moderation. Even moderation.

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Zen Mastery: Meditation Giveaway

By on February 15, 2013 in Announcement, Giveaway

Here at TinyShift, we love our readers! We know that you are all committed to making important changes in your life and we applaud every effort you’ve made. Helping you get closer to the life you’ve always wanted excites us, and we love keeping you motivated with regular, awesome giveaways.

A huge part of our vision at TinyShift involves living mindfully and appreciating all of the moments life has to offer. Regular meditation practice gently teaches your brain to live in the now by becoming more conscious of the mind/body connection. You’ll also learn to start paying attention carefully as you move through the world.

In this month’s giveaway, we encourage you to take your meditation to the next level, or try it out for the first time. Everything you need to begin practicing meditation at home is included in our Meditation Kit. Be sure to enter once every day until the end of the giveaway to increase your chances of winning. Also, when you visit the giveaway page, you can learn how to earn extra points! The winner will receive:

Meditation Gear:

Meditation Resources:

Meditation Apps:

This giveaway begins today, February 15, 2013 and the winner will be drawn on March 15, 2013. The giveaway is for TinyShift subscribers only, so be sure to confirm your subscription.

Click Here to Enter Now!

Thanks for reading. You guys rock!

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Table for One: Ten Reasons to Enjoy Going Solo

By on February 14, 2013 in Balance and Happiness, Self-Improvement

Photo courtesy of Scott Swigart

“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don’t worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest.” – Napoleon Hill

Many years ago, I was young, naive, and engaged to be married. When that relationship ended unexpectedly, I found myself begrudgingly alone and completely terror stricken to venture out into the world with just my shadow for company. Amazingly, though, some of the things I learned during what I considered to be “The Aftermath” of the break-up were some of the most valuable lessons of my life.

  1. There is only one person who can validate your imporance in life: You.
  2. It’s better to a feel a little lonely sometimes with just yourself than to be with someone and feel alone.
  3. Somewhere, someone always has bigger problems than you do.
  4. You can make it through virtually any challenge as long as there is an end in sight.
  5. Nothing bad ever lasts forever.
  6. If you’re alone and sad, force yourself to smile repeatedly. After awhile, you’ll actually smile yourself happy.
  7. As a general rule, you have to work through the bad stuff to make it to the good stuff.
  8. Unanswered prayers go unanswered for a reason.
  9. Living in the past is a gigantic waste of time. Live now.
  10. Freedom is one of the most amazing gifts in the world. (Fifteen years later, this still holds great meaning for me.)

There are some wonderful things that can result from the healthy relationships that you cultivate with other people. However, your most important and longest-lasting relationship is the one you have with yourself.  Nurture it accordingly.

In this lifetime, some of the greatest gifts will come to you when you least expect them, just as some of life’s most important lessons are the ones that come when you aren’t even studying.

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