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Optimistic Realism: An Attitude Worth Having

By on April 23, 2013 in Overcoming Obstacles, Productivity, Reaching Goals

 

optimism

Photo courtesy of Steven Depolo

Constantly seeing the glass as half full may seem like the “in thing” to do these days, but do yourself a favor and leave the pure, unadulterated optimism to someone else. It’s definitely beneficial to have a generally positive outlook, but there’s a big difference between that kind of unrealistic optimism and optimistic realism.

All of the recent talk about mindfulness has some people under the misguided impression that if they visualize success, it will arrive on their doorstep. ”If I believe it will happen, it will happen!” Unfortunately, this is a completely unhealthy way of thinking, especially if all you’re doing is believing.

Living a mindful life means being aware of and accepting things exactly as they are – even as you’re mindfully aware of being caught in a downpour without an umbrella. Mindfulness isn’t about reaching your goals at all, actually; it’s about being present enough in any given moment to appreciate all aspects of that moment, taking the good with the bad.

Adopting a mindful attitude does generally mean approaching life with a positive outlook - that part’s true, but it doesn’t mean you should become blissfully unaware. Observing and experiencing your life’s moments mindfully and then taking meaningful, realistic action is the key.

The most successful people are full of optimism but are keenly aware of reality, as well. To achieve your goals, you’ll need to master the fine art of balancing the two mindsets. As it was once said by William Ward, “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”

Pessimists never get very far toward their goals because they spend most of their time and energy complaining. Uber-optimists tend to spend most of their days in La-La Land, fantasizing about the future and assuming that their destiny is already decided for them.

Optimistic Realism: An Oxymoron?

It all boils down to this: actions speak louder than words. The only way to get where you want to be is to get up and start moving. You’ll need to have a realistic mindset about the road ahead of you on your journey. Bumps in the road will challenge you, for sure, and instead of wearing blinders, you’ll fare much better if you’re on the lookout for any detours you may need to take along the way.

So, keep your (moving) feet on the ground but leave your mind wide open. Your continued optimistic belief in yourself will help you succeed, but true success will only come when you put forth effort, careful planning and dogged persistence.

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How to Comfort Yourself Without Food

By on April 18, 2013 in Balance and Happiness, Mindfulness, Wellness

icecream2Photo courtesy of Robert S. Donovan

Food, glorious food.

I’m looking at you, Ben. You too, Jerry. And your little multi-colored friends that beg me to find out if they melt in my mouth.

I tend to eat when happy, or in celebration. Because I’m so blissed out about my life, this means I’ve been eating a lot, and finding reasons to “celebrate” entirely too often. While I can’t complain about my happiness level being off the charts, I realized that I do need to get my food to activity ratio back in balance, or risk never being able to zip a pair of jeans ever again.

I didn’t think there was any psychology behind why I eat what I do, unless Deliciology has become an official line of study. I know it’s within my power to eat less, but I decided to look for some tips that would help me make the right choices. As usual, what I found was so interesting that I thought you guys might like to know what I learned.

As I suspected, certain foods definitely do have the ability to enhance our feelings of joy when we’re already happy. What is interesting is that there appears to be an actual, physiological reaction that occurs when we eat foods high in saturated fats, that explains why we crave what we do. Additionally, one study in particular discovered that the simple presence of saturated fat in the stomach not only enhanced positive emotions, but also cheered up those participants who were depressed. Participants who ingested saturated fat also handled difficult situations much better than the participants whose stomachs were filled with saline solution.

Here’s the kicker: the participants weren’t exposed to the smell, sight or taste of fat-laden food – they simply had saturated fat or saline solution tube-fed directly into their stomachs and were then asked to perform certain tasks. Those with bellies full of fat experienced a much easier time dealing with negative feelings like loss, guilt and sadness.

Though the study was relatively small, the physicians and psychologists conducting it have ascertained that ingesting saturated fat triggers the release of hormones that positively stimulate the brain.

It’s not just the yummy-deliciousness that makes us feel better, then! If saturated fats make us able to handle stress better, we should give our bodies what they want!

Except, no.

It’s true that a huge bowl of creamy macaroni and cheese may send out some signals to your brain, telling it that everything’s A-ok, but what happens after you digest that mac-n-cheese? Do you reach for the peanut butter cup ice cream sundae?

You could, and many certainly do, but eventually you’ll end up unhealthy and unhappy. Perhaps there are some people who are overweight and legitimately happy about it, but their hearts are still working extra hard to carry that extra weight around, happy or not.

Instead of feeding your sorrows or making up fake reasons to justify buying another irresistible sheet cake from Costco, turn to your inner senses, like smell, sound, and sight. In  50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food, Susan Albers, PsyD., teaches how to tell the difference between “emotional hunger” and actual hunger by focusing on real world mindfulness techniques that will help you relax and enjoy life to the fullest without depending on food.

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How to Quit Nagging and Start Communicating

By on April 16, 2013 in Balance and Happiness, Relationships

point

Photo courtesy of a2gemma

Women have endlessly been type-cast as naggers on comedic TV shows and in famous comedy sketches around the world. Unfortunately, there’s a reason why we find those bits so funny – there’s more than an element of truth to them.

Of course, any duo that’s comprised of a Type-A, super-organized person and an easily distracted, forgetful type is bound to face a fair amount of conflict, whether the Type-A is a female or not. Howard Markman, professor of psychology at The University of Denver, says that although either sex can nag, women are the more likely offenders because as a rule they feel more responsible for keeping the home and family running smoothly. Women are also more sensitive to early changes in relationships, so when they ask and don’t receive, they know something is amiss and begin to panic.

It’s kind of obvious that being endlessly nagged is annoying and can be quite detrimental to any relationship. What’s not as obvious is that even the naggers hate nagging! So, why do they do it? And how can they stop?

The most important thing to realize is that naggers pester the people they love and care about the most. The closeness of a relationship can lead to a comfort level that allows nagging to stem from concern. Unfortunately, even though it may come from a good place, constant reminding, bugging and nitpicking feels a far cry from love. It’s an important behavior to self-assess if relationships are to flourish.

To be clear, psychologists say that there are definitely more than one type of naggers – not all reminders are bad, and some are actually part of being a good person.  It’s all in how you go about it and why you’re doing it in the first place.

Gentle reminders that genuinely come from a loving place aren’t normally something to worry about. Especially if the gestures are meant for your children, and they’re still relatively young. Be aware though, that what you may perceive as gentle reminders may actually feel quite annoying to others, such as a partner, spouse, and older children (teens.)

If you feel like you’re being ignored – you probably are. Asking someone to meet your needs multiple times with no response is a definite problem – and not only yours. The reason for your nagging is that you feel unheard, and oftentimes the reason you’re being ignored is because the other person feels harassed.

The solution is just as twofold as the problem, as it involves both players. And since Dr. Markman suggests that “Nagging is an enemy of love, if allowed to persist,” it’s something to address as soon as you recognize it in your relationship, or preferably, avoid it altogether.

The best way to eliminate the need for nagging in your relationship is to open the lines of communication from the very beginning, or as early as possible. When I met my current husband, I knew that nagging was a no-no because I had already been married once before.

It’s vital to be heard in any relationship, especially those that are most important in our lives. The key is to agree on a system of airing grievances that works for both of you. Create wording that makes both of you feel safe and avoid insulting or belittling each other at all times. On the flip side, when your partner asks you for something important, make sure you deliver. This system of safe and gentle sharing along with follow through develops trust, security, and appreciation, which will allow your relationship to succeed and your self-worth to skyrocket.

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How I Put an End to Worrying for Good

By on April 11, 2013 in Mental health, Wellness

worriedPhoto courtesy of spaceodissey

I used to be a chronic worrier.

In fact, I spent the better part of three decades intensely worried about a plethora of highly unlikely disasters.

If you’re a worrier, you’re not alone. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting about 18% of the population. However, just because it’s so prevalent doesn’t mean that it’s ok to ignore your chronic anxiety. Studies show that regular, unsubstantiated worrying will eventually catch up with you, leading to progressive physical and psychological problems as well as interpersonal difficulties.

When worrying began to manifest itself in the form of physical damage to my body, I put my foot down and called a therapist. Getting a handle on my anxiety was something I had to do before I could move toward the life I really wanted.

The first thing you should know about what feels like uncontrollable worrying is that there’s a scientific explanation for it.  While observing their patients’ PET scans, physicians have noted that the orbital cortex of the brain goes into overdrive during periods of anxiety.

The orbital cortex is the underside of the front of the brain. Feelings of worry stem from a slight abnormality in this area, leading it to “overheat” or simply overwork itself.  In other words, your orbital cortex is easily aroused, which sounds a lot more fun in theory.

Suppose a thought enters your mind, such as, “Why do I have such a headache?” For the chronic worrier, faulty beliefs about this thought will quickly take over. “My headache is worse than normal. I probably have a brain tumor. I should see a doctor at once.”

Anxious people have an extremely tough time letting go of these thoughts because their orbital cortex becomes aroused so easily. It lights up quickly, generating heat and energy, causing the worrier to become stuck in the worry cycle without being able to move forward past the feelings of anxiety. The non-anxious patient may experience the same thought process, even fleetingly pondering that the headache may be a brain tumor, but is able to recognize the thought as irrational, letting go of it before it becomes a worry.

Many worriers develop techniques to ease their anxieties, which may sound like a good thing, but these “neutralizing rituals” are typically quite disruptive to the worrier’s lifestyle, and can cause problems in relationships and at work.

Luckily, it is possible to cool down your orbital cortex and get your worries under control. The technique that worked best for me, and the treatment that is most widely-used for anxiety disorders is called cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

During this type of self-therapy, you’ll examine your thoughts (cognitions) and take back control over your reactions (behaviors) to the thoughts. Some basic steps include:

1. Cognitive Restructuring -  This involves identifying your specific fears that are the most irrational and most destructive and then persistently asking yourself for evidence that your fears are legitimate.

2. Fear Facing - Sometimes referred to as ‘exposure therapy,’ this component of CBT is necessary because avoidance of your fears will prevent you from ever overcoming them.

3. Thought Replacement - Some therapists advise their anxious patients to come up with more accurate thoughts or relaxing mantras after specific fears are identified. I experienced the most success when I turned my anxious thoughts into cartoons, amplifying their absurdity. My therapist also suggested speaking irrational thoughts aloud, or singing them to the tune of “The Farmer in the Dell” or another familiar children’s song. For me, this works every time.

For many people, obsessing about irrational fears is a habit that they’ve been developing for years and years.  It may take quite some time to break out of the worry cycle, but it can be done with some practice and a lot of dedication. Anyone who is willing and ready to make an effort can get control of their worries. Nobel Prize winner Winston Churchill suffered from anxiety, but went on to lead an extremely successful life. To quote him, ”When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life — most of which had never happened.”

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8 Things to Stop Thinking About

By on April 9, 2013 in Productivity, Self-awareness

daydreamPhoto courtesy of Scott Anderson

I’ve come to realize that a little daydreaming is ok, but that it can be all too easy to get lost in your thoughts, leading to distraction and a less mindful way of living. Allowing your inner thoughts and dialogue to take a major detour will derail your focus, making you much less productive at work and more stressed in life.

There are some common “thought traps” that are easy to fall into, and they can leave you ruminating rather than really living. When these thoughts pop into your head, let them pass through without stopping.

1. Woulda, coulda, shoulda: If you’re constantly preoccupied with thoughts of things you wish you’d done differently, you’re essentially beating a dead horse with an old stick. Let thoughts of the past move right on by, and every time they pop back in for a visit, think about something positive that came of the choices you did make.

2. Fantastic fortune and magic carpet rides: Passive fantasies about the life you really want will get you nowhere. Get those thoughts onto paper, and into action!

3. Worries. Dwelling excessively on an anxiety-provoking topic ultimately won’t make one bit of difference in the outcome of any situation. Worrying is something everyone does, though, so it’s a natural and normal feeling.  Just don’t let it control your life.

4. The Oops. I used to literally punish myself anytime I’d made an embarrassing mistake at work by replaying the event over and over again in my mind. What’s done is done, and the only thing to do is to learn from your mistake and do better next time.

5. How you’re measuring up. In other words, you’re preoccupied with what other people think of you. The only person you should be measuring yourself against is, well, yourself.

6. Why me? This is a huge thought trap for many people. It’s essentially a Pity Party for One. Stop asking “Why me?” and ask “Why not?”

7. The missing piece. Are you spending precious time focused on what you don’t have? We’ve all met that person who constantly bemoans all of the things she hates about her life. This type of person usually displays extreme jealousy when others experience good fortune, too. What a waste of energy and lost minutes that could be spent enjoying the present moment for what it is.

8. Your limits. Most people are convinced that they have invisible limits that no one else can see or sense. Staying within your preconceived limits allows you to feel safe, but it also hinders how much success you can attain.  Limits only exist in the mind. In reality, you can accomplish anything.

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The Secret to Aging Gracefully

By on April 4, 2013 in Fitness, Wellness

 

winePhoto courtesy of Robert S. Donovan

At any given moment in my life, I am busy perpetuating a lie, and many of you are, too.

We’ve been conditioned to associate getting older with negativity in many aspects, but particularly how we appeal to others. Consequently, middle age incites a mild panic as we furtively participate in rituals that promise to make us look and seem younger than we really are.

As our predicted life spans have now passed the three-quarter-century mark, many of us are faced with the reality of old age. Thus, we spend excessive amounts of money and time on cosmetics, treatments and procedures in order to maintain the illusion (delusion?) of youth. To go out into the world armed with nothing but our True Faces is akin to a triple-dog-dare, and definitely NOT something that I am up for.

However, on my journey toward complete self-acceptance and unconditional self-love, I asked myself if there was a way to age more gracefully.

And as it turns out, there is.

I was introduced to just the motivation I didn’t even know I needed in Phyllis Sues, a woman with an earnest life motto: “To look good and feel good is work. To look great and feel great is a full-time job. The reward is liking myself and living a creative life.”

Before you chalk her up to just another life coach with nothing behind her words but a high price tag, hear this: Phyllis is 53 (years older than me). Can you do the math if I tell you I’m 37?

Phyllis’ zest for life and determination to have her mind and body live as one spurred me on to learn more about the science of aging. Armed with knowledge, maybe we could all be more like Phyllis. I was intrigued by what I learned.

While there’s no denying that muscle mass starts to decrease and reaction time slows down, some areas of our brains actually start to improve in our 60s, 70s and 80s. Contrary to popular belief, neuroscientists now know that the brain’s dendrites grow longer and increase in number in our later years. Dendrites are the branches that brain cells need in order for neurotransmitters to create synapses.

This information tells us that, not only is it possible to age gracefully, but our brains are actually wired to allow us to do so! Geriatric psychiatrist Dr. Gene D. Cohen, MD confirmed that our ability to coordinate both hemispheres of the brain improve in the last third of our lives, making us better at solving emotional problems and paying attention to our life experiences. There is great potential for complete fulfillment in our later years.

Naturally, in order to take advantage of those longer, more proliferate dendrites, we’ve got to keep our bodies alive and healthy long enough to reach that stage of life in good shape. This means putting concerted efforts into moving, learning and listening to your body and mind. As the saying goes: “A dog walking through a field of cotton doesn’t come out wearing a suit.”

It’s important to have a good handle on what happiness looks like to you, but no plan is worth a damn unless it’s put into action. As Phyllis says, “There is a way to beat the clock. Stay fit and enjoy the journey. Accept the challenge and go for it!”

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How to Have a Life Beyond Nine to Five

By on April 2, 2013 in Balance and Happiness, Career

five pm

Photo courtesy of Sister72

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” – Proverb

Perhaps you spend your work day in a busy office helping clients or patients. You might manage a restaurant, teach children, or deliver important products to waiting customers. Regardless of what you do for a living, putting some space between your work life and your personal life is critical.

Many studies have already been conducted on the effects of work stress on our bodies and minds. We are regularly advised to take proactive steps that will make our work day less distressing, enabling us to be more productive employees. Try as we might, many of us are still plagued by job stress day after day.

By allowing the black cloud you couldn’t shake at work to follow you home at night, you’re actually entering into a brand new profession: thievery.  Letting work woes occupy your mind, sneaking away to make a few business calls? Now you’re stealing time from your family.

It’s true that your life is a composite conglomerate – a singular unit made up of many different parts. It would be virtually impossible for you to lead completely separate work and home lives because you are, after all, only one person. Until the day when you can pick up an at-home cloning kit at Walgreens, the next best thing is to put some boundaries into place that will make it easier for you to transition from one part of your life into another.

1. Take a detour on your post-work commute.

Stop off to take a short walk in an easily accessible, relatively tranquil area. Even a 15 minute stroll can be enough for you to mindfully bring your focus into the here and now, and away from the chaos of your work day. Alternatively, give yourself some ‘Talk Therapy’ in the car if your commute is already significant. If you’re worried about looking like a loon, buy a cheap blue tooth headset and pretend you’re talking on the phone.

2. Give yourself a cutoff point.

As you make your way home, it’s natural to have the work day’s events tumbling through your mind. Even if you’ve had a real doozy of a day, pick a physical landmark to signify that you’ve entered the Home Zone. Turn your thoughts toward the positive things awaiting you on the other side of your front door – a smiling partner, happy children, good food, hobbies, or a relaxing bath. It’s impossible to completely push work from your mind, but be sure to give your home life the full attention and nurturing it deserves.

3.  Do not unload on your spouse.

Being able to release your work frustrations is important, but you’ve got to find someone other than your spouse to be your sounding board.  Home should be your ‘Happy Place’, and your spouse sees it that way, too. Bringing home a bad attitude and immediately launching into a daily tirade will get tiring, and your spouse will eventually associate your return home with negativity.

Try calling up a friend once or twice a week, preferably someone who you don’t work with, to let off some steam. Keep these calls short, though, so you don’t kill that friendship or spend too much home time on the phone.

4. Make it count.

By not dumping all of your work worries onto your family, you’ll be moving in the right direction, but take it one step further. Ensure that each member of your family feels that you’re fully engaged in family time. Try to give each child at least 15 minutes of your devoted attention. Make eye contact as they tell you about their school day, or what they read about in a book. Let them feel physical contact from you, too. Research shows that it only takes two minutes of hugging per day to make a significant difference in a child’s self-esteem.

While it may seem like a lot to remember, keeping work out of your home life really is a lot easier than you think. Once your family feels that they’re getting the attention they deserve, everything will flow much more smoothly, leading to less arguments, challenges, and conflict. On the flip side, a happy home life will allow you to focus clearly during work hours, increasing your productivity there, too. Win, win, win.

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your turn

By on March 29, 2013 in Survey

Here at TinyShift, our readers are extremely important to us. When Ben and Ryan started this site (under the name DailyPath) back in 2010, they had a very simple vision: to help people improve their lives by making small changes. That vision is now stronger than ever, and we are 100% committed to giving you the content and resources that you need to get and stay on the path to happiness and success.

We all know just how difficult it is to constantly strive to be better, because we’re all doing it in our private lives, as well. Our posts come from the heart and are always based on our own personal experiences combined with professional research. Along with our posts, we’ve recently made regular giveaways part of our repertoire, and the response was very positive. Now, we’d like to know what else you would like to see around here.

Again, thank you so much for being a part of the TinyShift experience! We hope you’ll stick around to see what we come up with next!

- Adrienne, Ben, and Ryan

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Can You Answer Life’s Most Important Questions?

By on March 28, 2013 in Mindfulness, Reaching Goals

good vs evilPhoto courtesy of Nicolee Camacho

Some of my favorite moments in life are those ‘a-ha’ moments known as epiphanies. There’s something so satisfying about figuring stuff out, especially if it brings me to a better understanding of myself. I’m a pretty inquisitive person, so I may be more analytical than the average person, but I bet you wonder about things, too.

And if you don’t, well -maybe you should.

Here in the TinyShift community, we’re all entrenched in this journey toward being the best we can be. Since we’ve all decided we want to live a life without limits, it makes sense that we’re constantly looking for more answers. Ideally, we’re seeking answers that will enable us to make appropriate tiny shifts with big consequences. As I’ve discovered, if you’re going to make changes, you need to know why first.

____________________________________________

Why are you on this journey?

____________________________________________

Answer that before you take your first step. Once you have your ‘why’, you’ll find that more questions pop up. They won’t be easy to answer, but that’s the point. The more you challenge yourself, the better your chance at making progress.

  • Do you love yourself unconditionally? This is an easy question to brush off with a simple “Of course I do!” Dig deeper, though. Don’t let yourself get away with easy answers that aren’t authentic.
  • What would you like to change about yourself? Answering this question is difficult but essential. Without internal change, there can be no growth.
  • What does the general picture of your ideal life look like?
  • What can you get rid of? Many times you’ll find that along with a keen sense of self-awareness comes a desire to purge. Eliminate things and people from your life if they are impeding your ability to be happy or successful.
  • Do you have a timeline? Setting goals with general end-dates will encourage you to accomplish them. Most of us work more efficiently with a deadline.
  • Is there something missing from your life that would bring you gratification? What steps would you need to take to obtain or accomplish whatever is missing?
  • Do you need to make changes in your profession? I made a huge job change at the age of 36. It was scary and difficult, but crucial to my success and satisfaction.
  • How stable is your romantic relationship? This question alone can incite a litany of other questions, and may cause you to veer from your previous life plan. Remember that there are often many paths leading to your destination.
  • Are you making significant contributions to the world?
  • How well are you meeting your responsibilities?  As you come face to face with some of your imperfections, you’ll get in touch with some intense emotions. While it may be difficult to admit that you’re lacking in any one area, you must take stock of the good, the bad and the ugly. No sugar-coating allowed.
  • Are you looking to the future or are you stuck in the past? You’d be surprised how easy it is to confuse the two. Make sure that your goals will help you move toward a new and better future rather than a repeat of history.
  • Who and what are your top priorities?
  • Do your priorities match up with your goals?
  • What do you fear the most about your journey toward self-awareness and happiness? Often, simply acknowledging and sitting with your fears will neutralize their power.
  • (Your next question here.)

There are no ‘right’ answers to any of these questions, but leaving them blank isn’t a good idea. The more you challenge yourself to be accountable for your own life, the more pleasurable everything will become. Asking yourself the hard questions will result in some epiphanies of your own as you inch closer and closer to your definition of an authentic, fulfilled life.

What answers are you seeking? As some of us are on similar paths, we can learn a lot from each other along the way. If you haven’t shared in the comments before, we’d love to hear from you today!

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When Familiarity Breeds Contempt:10 Friendship Enders

By on March 26, 2013 in Awareness of others, Relationships, Self-awareness

love hatePhoto courtesy of Rory Finneren

Last week, a friend and I were sharing the traits we liked most about each other, and we remarked that time has given us a new perspective on friendship. In addition to getting older, living mindfully has also given me a pretty good handle on the type of people I enjoy being around.

For me, a typical ‘friend interview’ goes something like this: I’m introduced, in any number of ways, to someone new.  I almost immediately begin evaluating this person’s friendability. My scoring system is simple: if I get a good feeling when I’m around you – boom – we’re friends.

Nine times out of ten, going with your gut instinct works pretty well, but it is possible to get the wrong first impression.

Unfortunately, you often won’t discover someone’s annoying traits until the two of you get more familiar and comfortable with each other. As long as her worst habit is biting her nails or telling really bad jokes – you’ve got nothing to worry about.

It’s when familiarity breeds contempt rather than closeness that you’ve got a problem. Breaking up with a friend is hard to do, but putting up with more than one item on this list is enough to drive anyone straight to Friendship Divorce Court:

  • Chronic interruptions – Let’s face it – we’ve all interrupted someone before. However, when someone makes a habit of cutting you off mid-sentence, it shows that he or she honestly doesn’t care what you’ve got to say. Someone who is worth having as a friend wants to hear what you’re thinking, and they respect your opinion enough not to interrupt while you’re sharing your thoughts.
  • Habitual lying – Honesty is (almost) always the best policy, whether it’s between friends or lovers. Most of us turn to someone we trust for advice, and we really do want to know if those pants make us look fat. If you’ve caught a friend in several lies, you can be sure that there are many more lurking in the shadows of your friendship.
  • Unannounced visits – THE POP-IN is an act of disrespecting someone’s schedule, time, and privacy. The type of person who practices frequent pop-ins puts their time at a much higher level of importance than yours.
  • Constant attempts to make you look bad – Whether to your face or behind your back, if you’ve got a friend who has such incredibly low self-esteem that she wants to bring you down to her level, show her to the door, and fast. You deserve to be surrounded by people who boost you up instead of weigh you down.
  • Perpetual guilting – This type of person never seems to handle her responsibilities, in and outside of the friendship. This can be extremely tiring and frustrating, because oftentimes you will end up as the scapegoat.
  • Continual complaining – Unless you share a mutual love of grumbling – nobody likes a whiner, right?
  • Bossiness - No friend of yours has the right to tell you what to do. Friends should give advice, not orders.
  • Excessive gossiping – Know that if she’s talking about other people when she’s with you, she’s talking about you when she’s with other people.
  • An inability to be wrong – Do you know what having a friend who’s ‘never’ wrong means? It means that you’re ALWAYS WRONG – and that’s just no fun at all.
  • A total lack of self-awareness - This type of person has trouble with social cues, overstays her welcome, invites herself to your house (with or without your knowledge – the POP-IN), and rarely shows up to scheduled events on time. Her worst crime? She has no idea she’s committing friendship murder.

Don’t waste your precious time with someone unless you feel pretty darn great when you’re together. Oh, and if you get the distinct feeling that you’re being given the slip, perhaps it’s time to look at your own friendability score.

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